i feel like i have not blogged in a long time. maybe it is because i blog daily and it has not been the case for the past few days. let me recap on what has happened. i got my fourth bruise on thursday or friday. i hate getting hurt and not even knowing about it. yeah, that sounds stupid.

i went to the mall three times this week. tueday i went with connie because she wanted to eat there. she ended up being late for her class which was really funny to me. on our way to school we got stuck behind this old guy that would break at EVERY stop light even though it was green. connie was getting so mad and i was just laughing. then on wednesday i went with connie again to shop. on thursday briggitte and i went to the tgif at the mall. good grub.

i have to read a book for english. the story keeps me reading but the writing is horrible. but i like the story more than i mind the writing so i keep reading. and it is required.

i have my a&p lab practical test on tuesday so i should study. peace.

i got another bruise!! wtf.. it's tiny but still! where am i getting these injuries? it's a conspiracy against me. I SWEAR!

i was reading my lil sis's (sammy) profile and it said:
Did u ever have one of those days when someone comes up to u and asks “wuts wrong” and u say “I don’t feel good” and they say “wut hurts” n u make up some excuse and they say “hope u feel better” and when they walk away u whisper “my heart”?
aww, i know how she feels. well not at the momment but of course i have felt that way before. for anyone that feels that way, "hope you feel better." haha! just kidding. things will get better, for sure..

things have been so interesting this past twenty-four hours. it will get even better in the next six hours and it just might get GREAT after that. this is hilarious! me = =D.. but at other people's expense and they know that. but I LOVE THEM! =D =D =D

the elliptical is my new best friend. i was on it for twenty minutes and it gave me a good workout.
i realized that i get hurt a lot but i never know how.i have a cut on my arm and thumb but i don’t know how i got it. then i found two bruises, one on each arm, and i don’t know where they are from. and yesterday i found a laceration on my middle finger. i think i know where i got it from but i don’t know how i got it. iIt’s pretty weird.
there have been a lot of things that have happened in the two weeks that i have been at la sierra. none of them really pertain to be directly but the people around me seem to be having some type of drama of their own.
i finally found out what people’s names are! it’s awesome. now when they say hi to me i don’t have to respond “hey, there!” i feel bad when i do that. but today there was this girl in my class i did not realize she was in my class even though i talked to her and she started talking to me.i was like “what the..” and the i figured it out. i felt so bad. but she understood. i used to be really good at this but now I SUCK! eh..
i need to study for a&p. my a&p lab does something to jesus that makes him.. i don’t know. it’s just strange.

i just came back from running around the track. it felt so good to get some exercise. it's the beginning of week two. actually the first day has ended. but it has been a good start. briggitte and i went to sierra towers for the worship there. very good! it really was. sierra towers is a fun place. i should go to the guys dorm more often. there are some funny stuff there.. heehee. i really need to write the rough draft of my paper. aah, no sleep for me tonight. but i will take a nap during my five hour break tomorrow. acutally it's only four hours tomorrow since we have assembly. boo!!

someone called me "homegirl." WTF!?! i think that is funny. well i am at the library at the moment "studying." i acutally never intended to come here to study. i was planning on downloading stuff but i can't so now i am just here doing nothing. and i can't do math because briggitte has the book. in about thirty minutes i can start to do homework because by then she will be done with class and will give me the book.

i found out today that a rough draft for my essay is due tomorrow. i am not really that worried about it because it is a rough draft but that means that i have to spend a majority of the night working on it. but before i do that i must go to target, vons, and radio shack with briggitte. waah!

my five hour gap is getting easier and easier to fill. now it seems like i do not have enough of a break. and when i start working it will be even less. oh well. i get money. i should go tonight. we'll see. ok i'm done.. 15 more minutes!

i really like having a walk-in closest. why? because i can change and have privacy without having to go to the restroom. haha! it's so awesome. =D
i went download crazy this weekend.
"if this was high school or just homecoming we'll dance all night."

i have been really tired this weekend. it's hard to stay awake.
people have been getting mad at me for not IMing them. it's not that i don't like you (though in some instances that may be true) it's just that i don't IM people. i occassionally do but that is pretty rare. so if you need to talk then IM me because i ain't the one that's gonna do it. and if i need to talk to you then i will. so there. peace.

these are some of the pictures from last night. kevin and alpha.. GAG! haha. i love doing that to them in front of their faces. but it just makes them do it more so i am just hurting myself.
my first week has come and gone. it was a really fun week. there was no day that went uneventful.
i was in my a&p class today and we were talking about mono and poly saccharides. it reminded me of the song "the night will go as follows" by spill canvas because of the part where they go "consider this song a testament of my devotion to your sacharrine scent." then that reminded me of second semester of senior year and i got really sad. but i love my a&p class. our teacher is strange but funny. whenever someone sneezes in class while he is lecturing, he says "bless you" in the middle of his lecture but in a very subtle yet funny way. dr. joseph is a weird guy. he has this afro mullet thing going on, but he can teach! i love his class. whenever i leave that class, i always think there is someone out there but it is just an elephant's butt. there are two but elephants next to both entrances of the classroom. it's so weird.
it's so weird and awkward when someone knows you but you don't know them. like you have seen them before but you don't know their name. for me it's that chinese guy that looks korean and this one girl. but i really like college because you make so many friends. at least from my experience. people are nice at lsu. now we have to hang out and stuff. victoria gardens, baby! =D
briggitte, mamiko, connie, heidi, giselle, alan, and the chinese guy that looks korean and is friends went to eat at a korean restuarant. i missed jessica because she is the person that cooks the meat for me. haha! i still smell like kimchi and korean bbq. these clothes will be smelling like that for weeks. elay did warn us so i really can't be too mad at him. evey night except for tuesday night i have only been getting five hours of sleep. the transition is hard. but last night i got six hours of sleep but i felt so much more tired than any other day. strange. i am looking forward to next week. yay for college!

"you look nice today."
"i look like a tree!"
^ i do look like a tree. green and brown, duh!

so many people wore green or pink today. it was really funny. the early morning hours did not have many events. everyone was so tired today because we were all in the lobby until 1 am doing nothing but talking. it was cold in there too. after i finished all my classes i talked with connie and briggitte about our guys from sga. it was so sad. there were so many funny conversations today. briggitte and i have come to a conclusion that we listen to kelly clarkson's breakaway cd WAAAAAY too much. we listen to it about four times a day but we never get tired of it. it is the best chick cd because it is angry at boys and in some way empowers girls. i love it! so on our dry erase board i wrote "kelly clarkson rocks!" and there are broken hearts all around. we went to the bash but no one was really there yet. briggitte, connie, jazmin, and i decided to eat pho. PHO!! darren helped us out with that. there is a place called pho 99. we needed to help connie part her van because she doesn't know how to. i love connie! she has her moments. the food there was soooooo good!! we are going to go back there for sure. we got back to the party. connie's josh was playing guitar. she just sat there and stared at him. ALPHA GOT KEVIN A DOG FOR HIS BIRTHDAY!! he is so cute! kevin said he was going to name him doggy (or is it doggie?). the three of them are like a family. GAG!! =D once again we sat in the lobby but not until 1 am. my eyes are getting blurry due to lack of sleep so i will sleep now.

questions i got from rachel's blog-like site:

1) What stickers do you have on your car, if any?
i don't have a car.

2) What posters do you have in your room?
does white paint count as a poster?

3) What do you hear right now?
all in all by lifehouse

4) If you could drink anything right this second, what would it be?
water.. it's so hot in riverside!

5) Does anything hurt on your body right now?
my shoulders

6) If someone you hated died, would you laugh and spit on their grave?
maybe.. just kidding. i don't hate anyone

7) What's your job position called?
full time student and soon to be part time cafe or ad worker

8) What size ring do you wear?
8

9) Do you own a picture phone?
yup.. i have 16 and 14 of them are of briggitte.. ROOMIE!

10) What's your bf/gf birthday?
i don't have a bf/gf

11) What was your elementary school's mascot?
eagles

12) What's your favorite bottled water?
i just like water in general

13) What's the next concert/show you're going to and when?
spill canvas/daphne loves derby on october 21 or 23 with ronan and/or michelle.. but it's not final yet.

14) What were you doing at 9 pm last night?
working out

15) What's your favorite Starbucks drink?
venti upside-down caramel machiato, easy on the ice. thank you very much! =D

16) Do you exercise as much as you should?
no

17) Did you attend your High School prom?
no but i went to banquets

18) Did you go to someone else's prom?
NO! stop asking prom questions

19) Would you give your bf/gf a second chance if they cheated on you?
HELL NO! =D


SOME STRANGE QUESTIONS:

Something purple within 5 feet of you:
there is no purple in my dorm at all

The sexiest item of clothing you own:
my ae undies.. wink

If the Matrix existed, would you want to know?
...?

How long can you hold your breath underwater?
a little more than a minute maybe

Favorite Pocky flavor:
STAWBERRY!! awww the good ole kid days..

Your nails were last painted:
sunday september 25

The weirdest thing you've ever heated in the microwave:
those lychee jelly things.. well sean did it but i helped

Ever done the Electric Slide?
yes

How much Japanese do you know?:
very little

How do you feel about sparkly things?
oOooOo pretty!

Ever crashed a car?
nope

On purpose?
nope

Do you look good in yellow?:
no

Do you sing?:
sometimes

Ever sang in front of a crowd?:
yeah

Do you dance?
YUP!!! =D

Do you own any neon clothing?
no

Is your hair long enough to chew on?
yes

Least favorite color?:
neon green hahaa

Favorite kind of pizza?:
i dunno

Ever had Dippin' Dots?:
HECK YEAH!

Ever played an instrument?:
piano.. worst 10 years of my life!

How old were you when you got a cell phone?
15

How old were you when you got your license?
18

How old were you when you got your first car?
why do you have to rub it in that I DON'T HAVE A CAR?!!?

How many tickets do you have?
none

How long have you been driving?
legally? a month, im a late bloomer

How many parking tickets?
none

Do you own your own car?
OH GOSH! shut up already!

What kind of car is it?
GRRRR.....

How old were you when you had your first kiss?:
15

How old were you when you had your First ¡°official¡± date?
15

Do you want to get married?
yeah but if i dont then thats fine too

At what age do you want to get married?
27 or older

Have you ever been married?
no

At what age do you want to have kids?
29 or older

How many kids?
2 or 3

Do you believe in divorce?:
no

WELCOME BACK BASH, SEPTEMBER 29 6-10 PM..

i only had two classes today but they were five hours apart. but it was so windy here but hot. connie had another one of her "josh experiences." it was my fault but i still got a big kick out of it. i finally ran today. it was awesome! it felt good to get exercise. scott and his friend brent came today. according to jazmin, brent looks like godzilla because of his hair. they are so funny! good times. i'm tired. off to.. i don't know what i will do. peace.

oops! my theory went to hell. eh, what can you do.

i love connie's experiences in college. that are so cool!
GO SILK SOY MILK!
cocoa butter is a MUST. =D

for some reason today was a GREAT day!! if you look at all the facts my day should be horrible. i only got five hours of sleep that night so i was really tired, my nose got a little runny, it was a very very hot day, i had a three hour lab, and i forgot my math book so i could not do my work. but it was still so much fun! lab was interesting. i met new people and my cousin's ex is in that class.. kind of weird.

"my hot body is superficial and my soul is deep."
- jesus, in reference to body orientation and direction (a&p lab)
LAB IS AWESOME!! =D

college helps you figure out who you're friends really are. it's bittersweet because you learn the truth and.. you learn the truth. but it's time to move along and get on with life. that's just how it is, sadly.

it was a good first day of school. my morning classes went by fast but after that, the afternoon seemed to drag on forever. they make you feel so stupid in my math class. but it is my comic relief.
after dinner briggitte, jazmin, michelle, jed, and i went to the mall and target to get "school supplies." jed was supposed to come just to get a binder but he ended up not getting the binder but four pants and two cargo shorts.

"your over-the-shoulder boulder holder dropped." -jazmin referring to briggitte's bra

good times.

I LOVE DORMING!! =D

i miss my dorm already..
i went shopping with kristina and jeanne and there was this shirt at hollister that said "conserve water. shower with a friend," and they wanted me to get it. i kind of wanted to get it too but nah. and there is this shirt at abercrombie that i really want. it says "i see you've already met the twins." heehee, i'm special like that! =D

i was in loma linda and i was on my way to the store when there was this thing in the middle of the road. at first i thought it was a paper bag but when we got closer it was a dead dog or cat. and i looked at it straight in the eyes!! IT LOOKED AT ME, I SWEAR! it was so freaky. it's going to come back and haunt me. IT LOOKED AT ME!! aahh!!

this is my fourth attempt at writing this blog due to the constant interuptions. but the past week has kicked my ass! i had so many things to do and i did not get enough rest. the retreat was more fun than i expected. briggitte, connie, and i all had our eye candy. connie got to meet her's but in the most awkward and obvious way ever. we had a talent show on the last night and there was a girl who performed a song she wrote. she sang it and played the guitar. it was really good! she was probably the best one there. her song was really sad. it's called "different blue" by anjuli. "i'm sorry, i thought you knew that when i'm with you the sky is a differnt blue.. maybe someday we'll see eye to eye.. so hold on because i'm letting go." she has an amazing sound. tamayo jesus, ronan, and some of their friends sang as well. they were surprisingly good. like, REALLY good! then my eye candy performed. whee! haha! he sang a song that he wrote and played the guitar. and he even had a cute/funny little intro. i hate jed! he says his name is "nerdy." but it kind of is.. oh well, just eye candy. during one of our worships our pastor said something funny: the middle finger is the universal sign for "God loves you, but i don't. pastor sam is awesome! that night briggitte asked me if i wanted to go clubbing with her and amy. i was way too tired but i went to ontario mills with kristina and jeanne. i bought so much stuff: 3 hollister shirts, 1 anf shirt, 5 anf undies, 1 aero jeans, 1 aero shirt, and 1 aero jacket. not bad for $70. haha! i havent gone shopping in months so i am making up for it. it's school shopping!! i went to kris' room to watch "sin city." such a weird movie. i woke up early to buy books. $114 for anp! screw that! i'll buy it online! oh! i got my tennis racket! i'm so happy! i can finally play again! and yay! everyone put a picture on myspace of the black and white party! that's so cool! aww, good times. i will miss this summer. best summer ever! thanks guys, for everything! *MUAH* i'm tired.. i need rest but i probably won't sleep for another 2 hours. aww, i'm so smart. peace out.

i was reading the quotes from megan's blog and it reminded me of how into "snake" i was. you know, the cell phone game. i got pretty good at it and i played it a lot. but i was not as obsessed as other people. haha

orientation is boring. but being here is fun, although it is tiring. i do not feel at all friendly and i just like to stick close to people i know. i need to get out of this rut in the next twelve hours because being friendly is what i will have to do for the next 72 or so hours.
briggitte and i went to victoria gardens today. it is a really nice place but it is more of a couple place. GAG. i haven't gone shopping in a while so: me = happy.

sad song: you dont know me michael buble =D

i have been tired for the past three days. moving in wore me out and so did the black and white affair. last night i only got three hours of sleep. and today seemed to drag on forever. when i got back from sleeping at kristina's house i had to go somewhere else so i could not sleep. but i got some time to myself but only slept for thirty minutes and then jeanne and kristina came a knockin'! then we helped kristina move her furniture and did some eating and shopping. i should really sleep now. i must get up in 8 hours. peace.

i moved into my dorm yesterday. it wasn't a very eventful time, though it was very tiring. briggitte and i went to jack in the box at 11 pm and went back to watch "the notebook." the deleted scenes are... just watch it.
today i didn't go to church because i was really tired. so after work kristina picked me up. we had our last party of the summer. kris, ryan, and kevin are leaving this week. noooo!! it was a really good party though. black & white affair

it's my last night at home. well, kind of. haha! i went to visit school. i didn't get to see as many people as i wanted. oh well. i finished packing. sort of. i still need to pack the little things. but overall i'm done. i think i am going to start journaling again. i bought a journal so i should use it. yeah, i don't have much to say for my last night at home. it feels good to get out. haha! i'm a horrible child.

my room is extremely messy and extremely turquoise. i am "pre-packing" or putting all the things i am going to bring to my dorm on my floor. but i do love the turquoiseness of the room. it's a break from all the white in my room. after a little pre-packing i started playing some games on orisinal.com. there is this one game in particular. it is called "the way home" and the object of the game is to jump from roof/window sill to roof/window sill and get apples while trying to get the little squirrel(?) home. i have not yet been able to bring him home safely, but i am determined!

i found myself sitting in front of my laptop and staring out of my window and at the moon. sounds kind of cliche. it seems like something that only happens in movies or books. but as i was doing that i thought about me. not in the conceited "all about me" way, but in the "finding myself" way. you know how when you take surveys and they ask things about yourself? i had a really hard time answering those questions. i never knew what to put down and even when i wrotet something down i felt like i was bsing my way through it. but in the past eight or nine months i have discovered a lot of things about myself. but along with this new found discovery i also found even more questions that i can't answer about myself. college is supposed to be the place where you find youself and make yourself an individual. am i the only one that feels like other people know me better than i know myself? it's probably because they can see how i act and they experience first hand the type of things i can do. i am lost. i want to find myself. right now i know i want to be a nurse. but what about when i actually get out there and start working? will i still want to be a nurse? i have never had the experience of actually being one and doing a nurse's job. how do i know if this is what i am meant to do? i am not sure if i want to get married or have a family of my own. most women have that maternal thing about them, but i am just not feeling it right now. am i too selfish to ever get married and have a family? can i handle all the sacrifices i have to make in order for me to have the things i want in life? i have so many questions about my future but i know that no one can answer them except for me. but i am not really scared. maybe it's because of the excitement of starting college and being independent. but will i start to freak out after all that excitement has gone away? self discovery, i'll take it as a blessing.

i miss having that funny little feeling. know what i mean? =/

don't expect me to be nice if you do something stupid. haha! =)

i'm thinking about adopting a panda. =D

sadly..

five days and counting..

i went dorm shopping with briggitte on friday. it was so much fun! we got a lot of things accomplished. our room is going to be so turquoise! we have a color scheme and everything. haha! i am really excited to move in on friday. i can finally get away from home. waah!

saturday. briggitte had her 18th birthday party. we all met up at the rainforest cafe in anaheim. byron, khaing, rachel and i were the first ones there so we made the reservations. we could not reserve tables ahead of time so we had to go early. everyone came within the one hour and thirty minutes it took us to get a table. briggitte and i wore the same shirt! it was pretty funny. we finally got to go in. i sat with brig, rachel, khaing, and sheila, and then caitlyn came later. the food was sooo good! sheila can eat! us six ordered a VOLCANO. when they came out to serve it to you, they would yell "VOL-CA-NO!" after we finished eating we headed over to the boogie. the line to just park was extremely long so we ended up going to the hotel. we were driving 60 mph and jina had about three smirnoffs. all of a sudden she sticks half of hour body out of the window. we all freaked out! she could have fallen out. it was so scary. at the hotel the security was all over us because they suspected that there were more people in the room than there should be. yeah, we had three times the maximum amount. but we pulled it off. people were giving each other butt masages. so weird. everyone hogged the bed and knocked out. khaing, sheila, briggitte, and i stayed up and talked. steph was talking in her sleep and said jina's name. then jason talked in his sleep and said steph's name. everyone was just dreaming about everyone else. jina was sleeping and all of a sudden she gets up and puts her head to the wall. it was so scary because she was not answering us. then she woke up. we talked for a while and ended up sleeping at 5 am and woke up at 8 am. we got ready to go and some of us went to eat at denny's. all of us were so tired. i got to khaing'g house and slept for two hours. then she took me home and i knocked out for another five hours. so tiring.


"rachel's mom will sue!"
jina as she sticks her chest out: look guys, i grew! [too bad she was talking about her height]
VOL-CA-NO!!
sheila: are you going to eat that?
q going clubbing
mike and the malibu
jacuzzi.
"market"
roomies/twins
why is your fly down?
pineapple and cherry seductiveness
butt masages
"emily rose"
free boobing
"HOW IS HE A BAD BOYFRIEND?!?!"
preeda
little nicky
^good times.

most everyone sleeps early now since they have school. there aren't too many people on at 1:30 am. this sucks! my summer is ending soon and there will be no more partying. aiya! i realized recently that i really do not belong in an sda school. if i were in a state school i would never be in my dorm during the weekends, i would never have to worry about curfew, and i could do whatever i wanted. i guess i will have to wait two years until i can actually do that. but it is probably best that i go to a sda school because if i was not then i would be out all the time and i would never be able to concentrate. aiya, this summer has gotten me used to partying. i'm going to miss it. good times.

SPILL CANVAS CONCERT!!
awesomeness. i went with bryan to a spill canvas concert at the troubador. finding parking sucked! there were three bands that played before spill canvas. the first one was called new year's day. the next one was mashlin. i did not like them that much, but hey, if others do then good for them. one of their guitarists looks like one of the opponents from either rocky IV or V. this day and age performed. i only knew one out of the five or six songs they performed but that's ok. finally spill canvas performed. their drummer looks like lance armstrong and bryan pointed out that one of their guitarists looks like this one guy from buffy. they played a new version of "the night will go as follows." it was pretty good but i think i prefer the normal version. a lot of people sang when they played "polygraph, right now." i thought it was really funny because you hear all these people sing "fate is an elegant, cold-hearted whore." the concert ended on a high note for me because they played "all hail the heartbreaker" as their last song. that is probably my favorite spill canvas song. maybe because it's sad and angry. haha! hey, what can i say! it was a really good concert! i want to go to the daphne loves derby/spill canvas concert next month. anyone want to go? and i thought it was pretty cool that when we got into the car it was 11:11. but my wish was not all that special. man! now i have a bunch of gas because of the mexican food we ate before the concert. [you know you wanted to know that.] but it was worth it. i love that place! "mexico!"

you know how people blast hip hop or rap music in their cars? well i was on my way to the car and this big truck had all its windows rolled down and had talk radio on blast. haha!
then i went to the dentist and there was a couple working there. they are getting married soon. the guy was introducing his fiance, who was cleaning my teeth at the time, to this lady. after she left they were telling each other that they were more lucky than the other because they were going to marry the other. i wanted to GAG! WAAAAAH!

i was watching "full house" and it was the episode where michelle's best friend teddy moves away. she tied him up with a jump rope so that he could not leave. but he eventually got let go and they were both sad because they were going to miss their best friends. they gave each other their favorite toy, hugged, and he left. it was so sad because it is like what's going on in my life right now. all of my friends are leaving and some of my best friends are moving away to start something new. "and that's the way this wheel keeps working. that's the way this wheel keeps turning."

i went to a party tonight and i did not even know the girl having the party. stephanie bautista. it was her 21st, so you know what happens during someone's 21st party.. we got there and i did not really want to go in because i did not know her. but she was really cool. i knew some people. we sat outside for like two hours and then went inside to eat and dance a little. khaing was getting crazy! some people were already drunk. but stephen was drinking a lot but he was still sober. i guess he can take his liquor really well. people kept spilling their drinks so there are now alcoholic beverages on my slippers. awesome. there were cops outside of the place. now i can say that i have been to a party with cops. some of the guys there are really good dancers, like EMSON and royce. there are so many guys from pasadena church that are in the service. bj is in the air force, emson is in the marines, chris v is in the marines or something like that, and there are other guys too. and pasadena has a lot of hot guys. but i do not think i would ever go for guys like that. they are more for eye candy. haha! i like guys that are nerdy/dorky, but not like the typical ones you see on tv. i heart dorky guys! the party was pretty good but more people should have danced. man! if i went to a non sda college where i was living on campus, i would be out so much! damn it. too bad i did not apply to any. haha!

i got my pscs2!! yay!

"i'm not lying. i'm just making fiction with my mouth." from the ever so wise homer simpson

i'm really bored on a friday night. everyone is either tired or mad. i'm kind of scared. i was wrong. friend drama is sometimes necessary. this is boring. i have done all i can do to my laptop and now im bored.

i decorated my myspace. how weird. but i like it. it's bluuuuuuue!

xxji2z3n1ferxx: you know how we digest meat?
xxji2z3n1ferxx: it rots in our stomach
myw0rstpains: thank you
xxji2z3n1ferxx: welcome
myw0rstpains: for ruining steak even more for me

JENELYN! your boyfriend is retarded! after saying what he said, OF COURSE YOU WERE BROKEN UP! WHAT THE F*** DOES HE EXPECT! he cannot be that stupid! he is playing you like a fiddle.. wait, that's the correct saying, right? oh my gosh! i do not approve! NO MORE!

*please refer to the blog on august 30 that begins with "FUCK!" oh, and that blog was because of isaac and gilmore girls. UGH!

"and i can see the pain in your eyes says everybody's changing and i don't know why.. but everybody's changing and i don't feel the same.. because everybody's changing and i don't feel right"

my fortune says "you will be happily surpised by a long time friend." will i really?

my family and i were going out and my mom used the phrase "pissed off." haha! and my did made a "shit" joke. what is going on!?!? my parents are being weird..

i want a guy "with the bad boy look without the bad boy attitude."

February:
Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and loyal. Determined to reach goals. Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislike unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous. Spendthrift. Tries to learn to show emotions.

25 Questions You'd Never Think to Ask.

1. when you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? my hair
2. how much cash do you have on you? $0 all i have are my debit and credit cards
3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? fest
4. favorite plant? sampaguita plant
5. who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? byron
6. what is your main ring tone on your phone? cat’s dance.. thanks kristina
7. what shirt are you wearing? pink hollister polo
8. do you "label" yourself? between "mainstream" and non "mainstream"
9. name brand of your shoes currently wearing? barefoot
10. bright or dark room? bright
11. what do you think about the person who took this survey before you? he’s skinny
12. do you know what an 8-track is? yep
13. what were you doing at midnight last night? running
14. what did your last text message you recieved on your cell phone say? "kristina said 40 year old virgin tomorrow at 4:15"
15. do you ever click on "pop ups" or banners? accidentally
16.what's a saying that you say a lot? "i’m done." or "stupid hor!"
17. who told you they loved you last? ryan cowan
18. last furry thing you touched? khaing’s cat
19. how many hours a week do you work? none
20. how many rolls of film do you need to get developed? i got digital, yo!
21.favorite age you have been so far? 18!!
22. your worst enemy? i dunno
23. what is your current desk top picture? this wallpaper i got off orisinal.com
24. what was the last thing you said to someone? "ok."
25. if you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to erase all of your regrets, what would you choose? a million bucks

things change. people change. people drift.. faster than you expected.

FUCK! i hate it when people think they are better than others because of their race or social status or the way they were raised or whatever else their excuse is! or maybe they do not think they are better. maybe they think that it just "won't ever work out" because it is INCONVENIENT for everyone. well "everyone" may not be the people that are actually involved! maybe, JUST MAYBE, these people like each other, or even LOVE each other, and that really gives you no right to get in the way. and it really pisses the crap out of me when families embed this kind of thinking into their childrens heads and end up ruining someone else's life. i understand that people have a closed mind about this and that they just "want the best for their kids." but i think that is bullshit! it's never all about the kids! it's about them! maybe not entirely, but the fact of the matter still remains the same. people do not like to step out of their comfort zones, but maybe if they did, they might find something amazing out there!

let it go, the damage in your heart.

i want pop rocks! do they still sell those? they were really good. i miss being a kid.. =/

blogging is cathartic..

"slip, trip, and kiss me."

"you steal my heart when you take my breath away."

"i just got to shake you off."

i was looking at my yearbook and started to read some of the things people wrote. i am sure they all meant what they said when they wrote it but now it all just seems like bullshit. it has only been three months and all that they wrote went to hell. i am sure i am guilty of this as well. it's just sad.. even with the friendships you thought it would never happen to.
i watched 40 year old vigrin today. it's so funny! the ending is the best.
cal: tell me you're a virgin.
andy: i'm a virgin.
cal: see, i like that because.. you don't have chlamydia.

i was watching the previews and there was this funny part..
guy #1: you're an idiot! if you look up the word idiot in the dictionary, you know what you'll find?
guy #2: i know, a picture of me.
guy #1: no! the definition of the word idiot!

good times.

i have rediscovered my love for lifehouse.

"breathing"

"you and me"

*"everything"
find me here
speak to me
i want to feel you
i need to hear you
you are the light
that is leading me
to the place where
i find peace again
you are the strength
that keeps me walking
you are the hope
that keeps me trusting
you are the life to my soul
you are my purpose
you are everything
and how can i
stand here with you
and not be moved by you
would you tell me
how could it be
any better than this
you calm the storms
you give me rest
you hold me in your hands
you won't let me fall
you still my heart
and you take my breath away
would you take me in
would you take me deeper now
'cause you're all i want
you are all i need
you are everything
everything..

guesstures is a fun game! board games have been one of the highlights this past week. i slept over khaing's house last night. i hate cawin! he is in the freaking bahamas now! stupid HOR! haha! ..i like saying that. santos or kris, give me photoshop cs2!! please. =P ok, i'm tired.

LettersToYouFinch

can't you see that i wanna be there with open arms? it's empty tonight and i'm all alone. get me through this one. do you notice i'm gone? where do you run to so far away? i want you to know that i miss you, i miss you so. i'm writing again, these letters to you on much i know. but i'm not sleeping and you're not here. the thought stops my heart..

"i love large groups of white people eating pollen."
-turk about the honey festival

scrubs is hilarious!

i'm really craving mexican food! yum..

I NEED TO GET OUT OF THIS DAMN HOUSE! i wish i was going to PUC instead of LSU just so i would be further away. 22 more days until i can move out.. GOD! i can't wait that long!!

TABOO is such a fun game! trivial pursuit and taboo have got to be the best board games ever! haha! =)

goodLIFEfrancisdunnery
^that is an incredibly depressing song! I LOVE IT! (thanks bryan. remember, i like the sad stuff so don't hesitate to tell me about them.)
i have been feeling extra gag-ish lately. i was at khaing's house and she made us watch "a cinderalla story" and i just wanted to throw up. i am definitely not or will ever be a hopeless romantic. us girls were talking about college and relationships, and i think that if i were to be in a relationship in college i would want to make it an open relationship. anything can happen in college. you meet new people and get to know them, and with an open relationship you can explore other option, i guess, but still not miss out or lose that other person. but you have to have very clear boundaries and know what you can and can't do.
i just found out that my cousin left for berkeley. i did not even know she was going there. my family doesn't tell me crap! i didn't even get to say bye. it seems like all of my cousins are going up north some time in their life for something more than just a trip. my cousin is going to berkeley, my other cousin is going for med training, my other cousin to transfer, and i will be in sf to work. yay! SF!! wOOts! but that's not for another five years. ugh! i want to get out of this house! i need my freedom.
but most importantly i need to get my mind off of certain things/emotions/feelings.. =/
WAAAAAAHHHHHH!!
i'm done.

"hey, it's cyclops from x-men."

i got my license. i did not really care until i realized i got it before gian. that is the only thing that is making me happy about it. whee. after i got home i went to megan's house to hang out with bryan and megan. we cooked pasta, actually megan cooked it, and baked cookies. but the cookies were overcooked and got really hard. it was so sad. but we went outside and had a cookie fight. megan threw one on my left boob. it hurt!! then we threw some cookies over her wall and into the street. we watched "the notebook" but stopped it at 8 so we could watch "so you think you can dance." megan got really into it. some of the people on that show are hilarious! after the show we went back to watching the movie. i love "the notebook." it is so sad. =( aww.. this was the last time support group will hang out until november, at least. =/
i have been wondering about friendships and the future a lot lately. how many of the friends you have now will be your friends in the next five years? i mean like they are actually in your daily life. only jenelyn and kristina are the only two people i know will be there in the next five years. that is really sad. i know that i am going to drift from people. it is bound to happen. but how many of those people can you drift from but when you see them again it is like you guys missed a day? how many friends can you still have those deep conversations with and be completely honest with without feeling like if you are honest then your friendship will not be the same? and then there are those people that you were really good friends with but something happened or you drifted but now you want to be friends but it seems like you can't since you are going to different colleges and you do not know how to even begin talking to them again. ok. i'm done. this is depressing me.

"my humps, my humps, my humps, my humps, my lovely lady humps." blackeyedpeas

this weekend was soo much fun! after church jen and i went to the mall becaus she had to get khaing's present and buy something to wear for tonight. we ended up staying there longer than we should have. jen bought a lot of clothes but they were really cheap. i got three necklaces and a top. charlotte russe has really good sales! we went to to pick up laura at her church and headed to khaing's house. khaing was rushing because we had to get to the "restaurant." it took us forever to get there and the damn road rage drivers did not help at all. khaing said that we had to park in the hotel area and we would walk to the restaurant. after, khaing told us that we were not really eating at a restaurant and that her surpirse for us was that she bought a hotel room for the night. i found out on wednesday when steph told me. she did not khow she was supposed to keep it a secret. we got up to our hotel and looked around. it was so big and cool! they did not have a lock on the mini bar.. OoOoo.. we told everyone that was coming that the restaurant was in the hotel. but when they got there we took them to the room and SURPRISE! we wanted to go get some food so we went out for a while. it was so traffic so we went back to the hotel. while we were pulling into the vallet we saw rihanna! we were bound to see someone famous. we all got ready to go CLUBBIN! khaing was stressed out because there were parking issues and people were getting lost and coming late. we finally got to club dv8. there were not too many people when we got in. at first we all sat down in a booth but eventually khaing got us to dance. i did not like a lot of the music they played that night. after about an hour of dancing my butt started to hurt. we orderd some water from the waitress and all the girls were looking at her boobs. they were up and together! i want her boobs.. i was dancing with the girls and then ryan austin comes and starts dancing with me. then ryan cawin comes and starts dancing with me. all of a sudden this random guy starts dacning with me. i guess he thought that ryan and ryan were just some random guys too. i gave him a look and he left. it was so weird! i had another encounter with this other guy but i do not know how to explain it. but there was this other guy that was dancing with khaing and byron saved her from him. then he went around to erin but she went away. then he went to jen and she just yelled "NO! OH NO!" and ran away. it was so funny! i got molested by khaing. haha! we stayed until the club closed and went to denny's. there was drama about denny's or ihop and the girls that marvin and ryan met. on our way to denny's we were making a left turn and this stupid xterra almost rammed into us. we think he was drunk. joanna and steph met us there. i had such a headache beecause i did not eat for 14 hours. i was so hungry that i started acting crazy. but then we all acted like retards so it was not so bad. we got back to the hotel at around 3:35 am. khaing opened her presents. kris, chan, and santos got her this really but ball-like stuffed animal hamster. it was so cute! then we all just sat and talked and blah. marvin brought some tequilla and vodka and some people took shots. steph really wanted to see me do it. heehee.. i fell asleep around 7:30 am and woke up at 10 am. not much sleep. we all got ready to leave. after some people left, khaing came across some of her own drama. on the ride back to khaing's house jen, rach, and i listened to khaing get mad. it was scary and funny at the same time. we brought rachel to her house and we stayed there for a little while. jen, khaing, and rachel were all venting about all their boy problems. i felt kind of out of the loop because i had nothing to say. we decided to go on a starbucks run to talk about more boy issues but ended up eating at bj's. after everyone shared their issues they all started piling on all these questions for me to answer. i felt cornered. they asked me this one question but i kind of felt like i lied a little. we brought rachel home and i went home. i am so tired of dancing!!

your bitter goodbye is ringing through this quiet night. this idle hour just wont pass. ive never missed you this much, never thought i would. didnt think youd feel so far away.. i miss our midnight rides on highway 18, 18 is gone. so go past the lights and all the excuses. you could have left "sincerely yours." dont you think it's obvious that i want to say more? cause anything too daring to say to you will be said in this letter, then burned away. so you never realize, im here. im thinking of your vague reply so i can understand why we put this at rest, why we forget to say that we were leaving, say that we were sorry. the past remains unspoken as this vacant night is dying.. this cold air brings such a distance to us such a painful distance. im still waiting for you to say you hate me now, so i dont have to hold on to this burning heart. this burning heart is getting old.
MIDNIGHThighwayDAPHNElovesDERBY

"i'm a bastard!" -kevin deoso

friend drama is funny. all the drama going on is finally out in the open. people hold some weird grudges for a long time! i'm sure it's not over but at least everyone knows what's going on. I HAD SUSHI!! kabuki has good calamari stuffed eggplant. yum! and tempura california rolls rock! their banana tempura with green tea ice cream and caramel is really good! gian thought our waitress was got. "the waitress what hot!!" then the guys went to pc bang while kristina and i went to blockbuster to rent a movie that we did not even get to watch. we went to buy mochi at trader joe's. the green tea was not very good. it tastes like the ginger wasabi ice cream they have at cold stones. we went to dennis' house to play ping pong. dennis and kristina are cute together but.. GAG! haha. i want to go back sy's house and play badminton, air hockey, and pool. =)

i am thinking it's a sign that the freckles in our eyes are mirror images and when we kiss they're perfectly aligned. i would like to speculate that God himself did make us into corresponding shapes like puzzle pieces from the clay. and true, it may seem like a stretch, but its thoughts like this that catch my troubled head when you're away and i am missing you to death when you are out there on the road for several weeks of shows and when you scan the radio, i hope this song will guide you home. they will see us waving from such great heights, "come down now, "they'll say. but everything looks perfect from far away,"come down now," but we'll stay... i tried my best to leave this all on your machine but the persistent beat it sounded thin upon listening and that frankly will not fly, you will hear the shrillest highs and lowest lows with the windows down when this is guiding you home.
such great heightspostalservice

you say that loves goes anywhere
in your darkest time
it's just enough to know it's there
when you go i'll let you be
but you're killing everything in me
polaris jimmy eat world

all you need is love is a lie cause
we had love but we still said goodbye
now we're tired, battered fighters
and it stings when it's nobody's fault
cause there's nothing to blame at the drop of your name
it's only the air you took and the breath you left
split screen sadness john mayer

you can find me
if you ever want again
i'll be around the bend
and if you never stop when you wave goodbye
you just might find if you give it time you will wave hello again
and that's the way this wheel keeps working now
i believe that my life's gonna see
the love i give returned to me
wheel john mayer

i tried my best, i gave my all
sometimes my best wasn't
good enough for you
sometimes i let you go
sometimes i hurt you so
i know that i can be
the meanest person in the world
so i apologize to you
and to anyone else that i hurt too
i may not be the perfect soul
but i can learn self-control
so pardon me, pardon me,
pardon me my friend
there's not one else to blame
for all the broken hearts
are scattered on the field of war
pardon me weezer

when everything is wrong
i come talk to you
you make things alright
when i'm feelin' blue
you are such a blessing
and i won't be messing
with the one thing that
brings light to all my darkness
you're my best friend
and i love you
and i love you
yes i do
there is no other one
who can take your place
i feel happy inside
when i see your face
i hope you believe me
cause i speak sincerely
and i mean it when i tell you
that i need you
i'm here right beside you
i'll never leave you
and i feel the pain you feel
when you start crying
my best friend weezer

music is great.

summer vacation!! woots! anyone want to go out? ok. i'm bored.

i took the temperament test and i am definitely PHLEGMATIC!

my only hope is letting go.

and with you i am truly in my element..

what's best is not right.

..we were both selfish, but i think i was more. and i would like to thank you for showing me a part of myself that i have never seen. we were young and dumb but it still was fun. i guess these things just tend to fall apart. and i hope you feel the same. and i would like to thank you for showing me a part of the world that i have never seen. i was young and i dumb but it still was fun, and forever indebted to you. you seemed like such a big part of my life and my heart..

this weekend was fun. i went out with steph on saturday. it was such a random and spontaneous day.. it was like "you wann go to the grove?" "ok." "let's go to ross" "cool. sure." "hey do you want to go to santa monica?" "YA!" "so how do we get there?" good times. then i went out with bryan and megan on sunday. we went to the grove and watched a lot like love. it reminded me a lot of school people. then we went to 3rd street promanade in santa monica. after we rode the ferris wheel on the pier. megan was freaked out! then we drove around FOREVER trying to find a place to eat. we ended up going to the olive garden in glendale. good times..

i finally realized that you were never meant for me.

damn. daphne loves derby has such depressing lyrics! but i love it so.
we got ohno's two days in a row! and today's was free because the people screwed up our order yesterday. so yummy! freshman are so much fun! victor can do the ocho ocho soo well! he is in the adobo group with dana and dan and he even has his own little ube shake. ncie. and andrew has the halo halo shake. they are so funny! i am glad i am in this advisee. they crack me up!! =D
picnic is going to suck because we are not going to win anything! all of the people that do participate can't even go! what crap! stupid senior year! but i am really looking forward to grad nite. PAR-TAY!

steph (eating a lemon): this is sour!
me: it's a LEMON!

i am at my cousin's house and i am really bored.. so i thought "i should BLOG!" so here i am blogging. but now i have another dilemma.. what to blog? oh! my panda's back! i put it back a long time ago but for some reason i felt like i needed to put that here. i missed it sooo much! it is my favorite panda! it can be a pillow and it is perfect for hugging. and it is not too hard or too soft. so yeah. i got was eating at some chinese restaurant and my fortune said "a refreshing change is in your future." then last friday i got panda express and i got a fortune that said "you will find happiness in mind and heart." well then... we were in art and byron kept singing starting line songs. "PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME WITHOUT SAYING GOOD-BYE!" (i am saying the most random things on this blog!) i was listening to a mix cd that bryan gave (one of the seven gazillion that i have from him!! thanks though!) and now there are a bunch of lyrics stuck in my head. "for all this i'm better off without you." i don't know who sings that or what it is called. i really like this one monica song.. "don't you touch her like you used to touch me... don't you love her like you used to love me." such a sad song! well, graduation is in a month! crap. "here's to the nights we felt alive. here's to the tears you knew you'd cry. here's to good-bye. tomorrow's gonna come too soon." i am going to cry FOR SURE! i just hope that i do not do it while walking at graduation. there are so many people that are being mr. brightside. it seems like that is all everyone is lately.. "this is my devilish jealousy, which i pray God may be false, but it makes a very hell in my mind, which the God of heaven remove, or i shall be very unhappy." samuel pepys is not alone.. even though he lived like 300 years before us. I JUST CAN'T LOOK IT'S KILLING ME AND TAKING CONTROL! i know that i have felt that recently. the last two or three days of northern made me mr. brightside. it really took over wednesday and thursay. but northern was still fun. and the guys room did not smell as bad as last year! then again they had like five air fresheners in there. and damn guys! when girls are in a room puts some pants and a shirt on! freakin a! the last day was pretty cool because we got a lot of time in the city. i know my way around the place so well. i love it! i got to walk around alone and shop and just be by myself. that was fun! i don't know what else to write about northern except that last year was better! haha! BAA '04! we had more free time last year.. that is ozzie's system. bryan has this charlie brown thing and there is one panel that reminds me of me. it is like this one girl talking to this boy and asking if he is basically better than charlie brown. and he is but she does not understand why she like charlie brown more. it's like that song.. kind of. "he's everything you want. he's everything you need. he's everything inside of you that you wish you could be. he says all the right things at exactly the right time but he means nothing to you and you don't know why. you're waiting for someone to put you together. you're waiting for someone to push you away. there's always another wound to discover. there's always something more you wish he'd say." haha! sorry bryan.. but it's not like it matters anyway. i guess that is all. peace out, yo!

am i going to be lonely for the rest of my life?

it is our last night at northern... aww! i can't believe i actually blogged twice on this trip. how weird! there have been a lot of things going on in my mind. i have all these mixed emotions about things. like i want to talk to certain people but i have too much pride to start. i should get passed that but i do not want to deal with it. i have felt so many emotions on this trip. i have been sad, mad, happy, anxious, and sick to my stomach. we went up to twin peaks today and i was so sad. it is better when you have someone to share those kinds of experiences with. ugh...

ok. i am in the guys room and i am fuel to blog. fucking people piss me off! it's my own damn fault for everything.. wel l not everything. i have learned that nothing is ALL my fault.
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

one more month of school left. that is one of the few things that gets me through the tough days because i know that i will never have to see them again or feel any of this shit again. i can move on with my life forever and never look back.

today was kind of fun though. i got to walkt around sf and be like a city girl. it was so fun!

WE SHOULD GO TO NEW YORK! it would be so fun! just walk around aimlessly and be stupid. we will be 20 so that means that we cannot drink yet and we won't be tempted to go into clubs. haha! we should! we REALLLY should! and we should watch a musical. two years...

I JUST CAN'T LOOK IT'S KILLING ME AND TAKING CONTROL!
damn it... this northern trip is really fun but there are just some parts that i cannot take. i really wish megan was here. she would know what to do to make me feel a little better. ugh! just one more month.

i was talking to people about long distance relationships and i do not think that they can work unless you have a solid foundation first. but you can't really establish that if you are away from each other. it is not the same to talk to someone on the phone and to talk to them in person. and if you want a long distance relationship to work you cannot just have it start off as one. spending time with that person is important and a foundation cannot be made in just a short amount of time. even if you are friends for a loooong time it does not matter. there is a BIG difference in being someone's friend and being in a relationship with them.

I HATE THIS! I HATE FEELING THIS WAY! SOMEBODY SAVE ME...

and my worst pains are words i cannot say... =(

i guess i'm in deeper than i thought.

If you love someone, let them go. If they return to you, it was meant to be. If they don't, their love was never yours to begin with...

"I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away....

nothing in this world worth having comes easy

margaritas without alcohol is like sex without a partner.

i like those quotes. whee! that last one was because i was telling erin and them that i regretted not getting a real margarita in ensenada. then she came up with that. and then rachel said “because it is virgin!” haha! get it get it?

khaing, jen, and i were talking about boys and how they can get over things more easily than girls. (this was right after masaki and khaing broke up.) they do not forget about it. they can just move on a lot faster than girls can, which is VERY true. but there are exceptions, of course.

i have been thinking about this for a while now and i meant to blog it before but i never got a chance. or maybe i did but i was just too lazy... i will just come out and say it, she can’t fill my shoes. and i know that if it was the other way around i could never fill her shoes. and that helps me a lot. i know that i was special in some way and that no one can ever duplicate or replace me. that goes for anyone. so, yay! =)

i am really craving that hersey pie from burger king. dang it! i wish i went out to eat today but they left so quickly. maybe tomorrow.

have you ever wanted to tell someone something but you couldn’t? or more like shouldn’t. AAAHHH! blah.

and maybe what's good gets a little bit better, and maybe what's bad gets gone. let's hope so...
i am at erin's house right now for debut practice. i like blogging on other people's computers because they are a lot faster than mine. haha! but when i blog it is always like at 2 am. we are trying to cut up our shirts for the hip hop thing. i think it will look hot but i dunno. i am really tired. we danced for about four hours today. grr... but cruise is in two days! wOOts!
i was making my bed yesterday and i felt kind of weird not putting my favorite panda on top of it. i mean i have not been doing that for a few weeks now but it just seemed sad. i was talking to jen about it and she asked me if i could just put the panda there and not think about the sentimental value of it. i do not know about that right now but i think later on i will be able to. i love that panda! it is the bestest panda ever! EVER! it got me through some tough times. haha! but seriously, i miss it. i want it back. but i know i can't have it on my bed just yet.
chorale and bell choir did their thing at white memorial today. i was telling bryan that i could not believe i felt awkward in my own church. it was so weird. i'm feelin' it! but at potluck khaing was asking me about something that chandler said during "friends" and i told her to ask bryan because he was chandler. then khaing goes "why are you chandler? you're not funny!" haha! aww.. it's ok, bryan. i think you're funny in that sarcastic way. i mean i think you are funny because you are sarcastic not that i am being sarcastic by thinking you are funny. get it? ok. i am sure you do.
oh! i had the weirdest dream last night! we were finishing up our "pride and prejudice" essays in class like we did in friday (in real life) and i finished writing it three minutes before class ended. but then i realized that i still had to type it out for some reason but i did not have time. i do not type that fast. so i look under my desk and all i have to use to type out my paper is a typewriter, the manual kind. so i was freaking out about my paper. and to top it off ms. rich passed back a bunch of papers while we were taking the test so i could not figure out which ones were part of my essay or not. then we had a bible extra credit thing. it was weird. it was me, this guy i do not know, michelle, some other girls, and chris. we had to play basketball and every point you made you got one point of extra credit. but it was brutal! everyone was getting hit on the face and getting into fights. it was crazy! and then my dream ended because khaing texted me. then i went back to sleep then my alarm woke me up, then i went back to sleep and jed called me, then i went back to sleep then bryan called me. after that i gave up on sleeping and just got ready to go to church.
oh! i think i am getting into naruto! it is really good. i want more episodes. and jen made me play a game. then i found out later that it was maple story. how weird! i like it. but i do not think i will be getting into that anytime soon. my computer is too slow for that. haha! i am going to go cut up my shirt for hip hop. bye!

*i hope you find that one person worth fighting for.

you know what kind of pisses me off, when someone has never heard a some before and then tried to sing along with it and they are just trying to guess the words. i am trying to enjoy the effin song but they are kind of ruining it for me. yeah. that pisses me off.
if there is anything going on i would really like to know. i do not like it when people try to hide it. it is eventually going to come out if there is something going on. but if there is and it is being hidden from me i will be even more pissed off than if you just told me. actually, if you just told me i would be better off. i am passed my bitter stage. i want them to be happy. but if they cannot respect me enough and just tell me if anything is going on, if there is anything, then fuck em! if you don't respect me then why should i give a fuck! DON'T EFFIN HIDE IT FROM ME! damn! and if there is something happening, then please have a little mercy on me and do not flaunt it around me. have some compassion for someone who has been hurt and is trying to move it. i think that is all the venting i have for today. =)

cRUise! wOOts! i can't wait! i am kind of scared about what megan has to tell me about what she did in the toilet. it is about her poop. i am scared. now i have to think about something to freak her out because i know that after she tells me i will not be able to sleep or eat. haha! i hope i have a lot of fun on the cruise! but the next day after we get back i have to go to erin's debut and do five dances. fudge! but we get to sleep in a hotel. wOOts! and the day after that... well, people that i talk to know what is going to happen. double wOOts for that! SO EXCITING! i know there is going to be a lot of drama during the cruise. but that is ok. i have my friends around me and they are the best! i <3 you guys! =)

some people do not see what is in front of them. instead they want something that they cannot have. there are so many other people that want them and can treat them so much better. but they are so blinded by this other person that they cannot even see these amazing people that would give them everything and not treat them like shit! change subject... today was so awkward. i went into ms. iversen’s room and there were only four of us in there. it felt so weird. even with more people it felt weird. and then i saw them together and they walked by me and i felt so awkward. i was so excited for the cruise. and then today we had a class meeting where they passed out the list of who was in who’s group. that is when i started to dread going to cruise. i do not want to see that. but today made me realize that even if it is awkward for me and i am still getting hurt a little, i still love and care about him. and i want him to be happy, even if that means me having to go through all of that. but still, it pains me so much to see, hear, and read certain things. and every time that happens it is like a sharp stab to my heart.

i know i did the right thing.

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

i just really wanted to share that lovely pick up line. i love it! i feel like i have not blogged in a long time. blah!!! lately i have been feeling like i made a mistake. i guess i just miss how things were before. i miss the talking and hanging out. but i know that if i undid what i recently did, nothing would change. it would just be the same. but was i wrong? should i not have done that? only time will tell. thinking about jr/sr is... uuuhhh. i do not mind AT ALL that i do not have a date. just the whole situation is making me dread going. i am really not looking forward to it. things could happen. and i do not know how i am going to handle it if it does. and to make things worst/interesting, northern is a week later. but at least at northern i know i can go off on my own for long periods of time to get away from everything. i know that whenever there is free time in the city, i will probably be somewhere else and not with the group. i know that i do not belong there or at least with the people going. i kind of regret not trying out for chorale. i am sure i would have more fun there. but there is nothing i can do about it now. i just have to make the best of it. i can get through this. i know i can. lksdjflksaksdfasjfkjsdjsdfjsda;fjsdkfljaskljdfkasjdf;asdkf! it is kind of sad that my friends do not talk to me about some things anymore. i do not know why. it just sucks. but it is their business so i really can’t say much about this. whatever.

i want you out of my life. this is hard for me to say but i need to do this. i do not know what to believe anymore. you tell me that there is nothing going on. but your words do not match your actions. i am not the only one that sees this. and others also agree with me. but you tell them the same thing you tell me. but i do not know anymore. the first time you told me, i trusted you. then i asked you again but i was not sure if i should trust you. i decided to believe it. maybe i just wanted to believe what i wanted to believe. but if i asked you again now, i know i will not believe you. the little trust i had in you is now gone. i cannot afford to have my heart broken by you again. it will hurt too much. once was enough. but that was not all i got. i know you never deliberately tried to hurt me. but the fact still remains that you did. even if you said that you wanted me back, which i am just stating as a hypothetical situation since i am sure you would never say this, i would not change my mind about wanting you out of my life. you do not deserve me. you had your chance and you blew it. you knew that i still had feelings for you, but you didn’t seem to care. you said that you were sorry that i was in pain. but it does not seem like it. you seem to be sorry because you are the one causing me the pain. if it was anyone else that was causing me pain, i bet you would not even care since it does not have anything to do with you. my heart is far too weak to run for you this long. but you probably don’t care at all. i used to want you in my life so much. but now that desire is long gone. we said that we would “try to be friends.” look how well that turned out. we went from best friends to nothing at all. but now i know i can live without you. i am probably better off because my heart will not longer ache. i am doing this so i can tell you how i feel and move on. i know that we are not in each other’s lives but saying this to you will make it official. i need you to know how i feel and i need to know how you feel. but most importantly, i need to know the truth. if there is anything that you are trying to hide, i need to know. please do not try to spare my feelings. you have not done it anytime lately so why do it now. please tell me the truth. if you cared for me anytime in your life then please tell me the complete and honest truth. i can’t stand being left in the dark, especially while i am getting hurt in the process. so please tell me. but after that i want you out of my life. i need you out of my life.


damn. it hurts. why do these things happen to me? why do i have to feel this way? it is like God said, “ok jennifer. you were happy all freshman year, sophomore year, and most of junior year. now it is time for you to be miserable. i have to balance it out. it would not be fair for you to be happy all the time. ok. here comes the misery.” i know that it is really not like that but that is just how it feels like. maybe this is happening to me so i can be stronger. i am getting stronger. what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right? this has been the worst week i have ever had in my life. i can honestly say that. i had so much drama with my friends. so much! then more problems with my nonexistent love life. at least one thing is fixed. but i hate how this hurts so much!

effin. i'm going to get screwed over, for sure! dang it bryan! why did you have to say that? oh well. i should have known it would never work. =/

i have been getting hurt so much lately. before i went to puc i got a paper cut on my finger. and it is in the creases where your fingers bend so every time i bent my finger or something came in contact with it, it would hurt like a mother! then after puc i was taking a shower and i saw two bruises on my leg. i probably got it from puc but i do not know how. then i got a cut from who knows where. and on friday i was “trying to be slick” and a got a splinter on my finger. but the worst injury i got was also the most embarrassing. i went to ozzie’s room to give him a check for northern. when i was opening the door, jessie and kyle were coming. so when i opened it, jessie pushed it back so it would not hit him. and since i am short the door knob hit me on my boob. it hurt so bad! you do not even know the pain! it is probably like when a guy gets kicked in the nuts. but i would not know. after that i was talking to phil. bryan walked in and i told him that i got hit in the boob. at first he thought that phil did it. but when i told him that it was the door knob he started laughing. so did megan. yeah. i know i am short! so what. but now i have a bruise on my boob. it is the worst bruise i have ever gotten in my life. that is not good. cancer! let’s hope that never happens. so much pain.
i hate econ! it is the worst class. all of my other classes are ok. but whenever i walk into econ i feel so much negativity. the class itself is ok. but i guess it is just some of the people that are in there. they remind me of so much crap. and i do not want to deal with it. i feel like certain things are being rubbed in my face. whenever i am in there i always want to leave. it is such a relief when i get out of the room. i hate it so much! i wish i could just switch periods. but i can’t. i need physics and art. having econ third period is the only way i can graduate. fuck! three more months. i just need to keep telling myself that. i hate the effin class!
ok. if a girl likes a boy and the boy knows about it (and possibly, just possibly, he might like her too, which i highly doubt), the girl deserves to either know about his feelings, and he must be very clear and honest about it, or HE SHOULD ASK HER TO JR/SR BANQUET! damn. the girl deserves one night, even if it is just a “fantasy.” it is our freaking senior year! last chance. no turning back. do one or the other! unless you plan to just string them along until who knows when. effin!

(this entry is either going to screw me over or make my day. eh, we‘ll see.)

i have been getting hurt so much lately. before i went to puc i got a paper cut on my finger. and it is in the creases where your fingers bend so every time i bent my finger or something came in contact with it, it would hurt like a mother! then after puc i was taking a shower and i saw two bruises on my leg. i probably got it from puc but i do not know how. then i got a cut from who knows where. and on friday i was “trying to be slick” and a got a splinter on my finger. but the worst injury i got was also the most embarrassing. i went to ozzie’s room to give him a check for northern. when i was opening the door, jessie and kyle were coming. so when i opened it, jessie pushed it back so it would not hit him. and since i am short the door knob hit me on my boob. it hurt so bad! you do not even know the pain! it is probably like when a guy gets kicked in the nuts. but i would not know. after that i was talking to phil. bryan walked in and i told him that i got hit in the boob. at first he thought that phil did it. but when i told him that it was the door knob he started laughing. so did megan. yeah. i know i am short! so what. but now i have a bruise on my boob. it is the worst bruise i have ever gotten in my life. that is not good. cancer! let’s hope that never happens. so much pain.
i hate econ! it is the worst class. all of my other classes are ok. but whenever i walk into econ i feel so much negativity. the class itself is ok. but i guess it is just some of the people that are in there. they remind me of so much crap. and i do not want to deal with it. i feel like certain things are being rubbed in my face. whenever i am in there i always want to leave. it is such a relief when i get out of the room. i hate it so much! i wish i could just switch periods. but i can’t. i need physics and art. having econ third period is the only way i can graduate. fuck! three more months. i just need to keep telling myself that. i hate the effin class!
ok. if a girl likes a boy and the boy knows about it (and possibly, just possibly, he might like her too, which i highly doubt), the girl deserves to either know about his feelings, and he must be very clear and honest about it, or HE SHOULD ASK HER TO JR/SR BANQUET! damn. the girl deserves one night, even if it is just a “fantasy.” it is our freaking senior year! last chance. no turning back. do one or the other! unless you plan to just string them along until who knows when. effin!

(this entry is either going to screw me over or make my day. eh, we‘ll see.)

from "The Idler" No. 23. Saturday, 23 September 1758

Life has no pleasure higher or nobler than that of friendship. It is painful to consider that this sublime enjoyment may be impaired or destroyed by innumerable causes, and that there is no human possession of which the duration is less certain...
Those who would gladly pass their days together may be seperated by the different courses of their affairs; and the friendship, like love, is destroyed by long absence, though it may be increased by short intermissions. What we have missed long enough to want it we value more when it is regained; but that which has been lost till it is forgotten, will be found at las with little gladness, and with still less if a substitute has supplied the place...


i am so sad. this is how it is going to be during college. but this is how it is for me with some people right now. =(

i don’t care. i shall wear my heart on my sleeve. or my blog. whatever. i am tired of having feelings for someone when i know that it will and can never happen. you see them everyday and you know you shouldn’t be thinking certain things. but “some of us prefer illusion to despair.” (i like referring to bryan’s blog.) i have to stop myself from thinking that it could, might, will. NO! it won’t! i really need a slap on the face (and not from megan) so i can just stop. i know it will NEVER happen. i just want it to stop COMPLETELY. i am tired. i can’t take it anymore. i do not want to worry anymore. hearts heal, don’t they? four months of school left. maybe then... i can’t believe i am actually considering going to PUC. when i went up there i felt really comfortable. i am not usually like that. maybe i am just “coming out of my shell.” but it was so much fun! especially when it was just me and megan at the dorm. if we roomed together it would be so fun! but i do not know. day after day i am considering it more and more. i wish that i could take LSU’s nursing program and put it at PUC. then i would go there for sure! but the chance of that happening is zero. =( i will just have to choose then. this is so hard! i have a roommate for LSU already. but i love PUC. I LOVE YOU ANGWIN! haha. it is so beautiful up there. if i go to LSU i can visit bryan at PUC and we can eat at giunis. he promised. this is so hard! i really do not know what school to go to. i went to PUC college days so i could miss school. i never thought i would actually like it up there! waa! i am in a pickle. i don’t want to grow up. PUC? LSU? help.

partyboybryan87: i'm watching scrubs
xxji2z3n1ferxx: gay!
partyboybryan87: and turk and carla picked a date for their wedding
partyboybryan87: april 24th

oh yeah. we are leaving on april 24, 2005 for northern. great.

everything reminds me...

yay! i am at puc.. i am not going here for college though. but bob and ivy are. and megan might. bryan is so happy. megan's a maybe!!! jennifer's not. FISHES! CHICKEN! i felt pretty comfortable when i got here. that is pretty weird because i have never really been here for a whole 24 hours. but it was realy comfortable. bryan was scared for a while but then he was with his people (haha) he got really comfortable. it is his home. anyways... classes were really boring. i knocked out because we only got a few hours of sleep. we had to switch rooms last night. we are staying with brig's cousin and pastor chung's cousin. they are so nice! they have so much food! i love it! we went to the jelly belly factory. bryan passed on his arm pain to me while we were on the bus. we both got kind of pissed off because the people were being such big asses! damn! the tour was so boring. we were going to get ice cream but we decided to wait until northern. i do not think i am going on the tour when we go to northern. i am just going to get ice cream and hang out at the cafe. the bus ride back was better. jelly bean fights! haha... today was interesting. i never go to breakfast. but i think tomorrow we actually will. stacey knocked out durning church. my cousin came. it is his birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC! well i guess it was yesterday because it is 2 am at the moment. whee! but the highlight of my trip, so far, was the dating game! bryan and megan were one of the contestants! bryan won! he won a date with adrin.. i think that is how you spell her name. megan did not win though. it was so great! =) the tsunami releaf concert was good. there was rapping and hip hop dancing which was surprising to bryan. and now i am at the dorm. our hosts are not here. they are par-taying. haha! megan, bob, ashley, and brig are knocked out. ivy left already. i do not really know what to say now. oh! i learned some korean! i can carry a short, and i emphasize the word SHORT, conversation with bryan. yay for me! well that is all for me. peace out! =)

"'Cause even if it breaks your heart to be 'just friends', if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit."

people always leave... but sometimes they come back.

singles’ awareness day. it was not as bad as i thought. it actually went pretty well. i really thought that i would be totally bitter and hating it because of what happened last year. but not the case. when i got to school people were so surprised that i was wearing a skirt. I CAN’T BELIEVE I WORE A FREAKING SKIRT! people were literally announcing it to everyone. LITERALLY! i got some compliments so that made me happy.. one of the reasons why this day was not so crappy. but for some reason when i got to econ, i got brought down. it was so depressing. but then art cheered me up. from then on i felt pretty darn good. i helped get ready for the box lunch. i did not get to see the room until later. but when i saw it, it was so beautiful! our box lunch was special because it was not a normal one. we had two. kind of... we used the copy room for our “ghetto” one. it was just this cheap thing with techno music. we fed them cookies, mini burritos, california rolls, cheese, crackers, and water. the guys spent $85 on that. or so they thought. haha! they were trying to be happy but you could tell they were disappointed. but after a while, we told them that we were going to get them dessert and to close their eyes and get up. when you walk into lilybeth’s room the lights are off. there is a pathway you have to walk through of lights and candles. that led you to a candle lit table underneath icicle lights and paper hearts that were on the ceiling. the guys sat down where we put chocolate roses and they girls could sit anywhere else. the girls served the guys. there was roast, bread, pancit, california rolls, spaghetti, lasagna, enchiladas, and i think that is all. then dessert came... DESSERT!!! joanna brought those really good candy apples from her work. it was a green apple dipped in caramel, then dipped in white chocolate with graham cracker bits all over. yum... then we had berries with whipped cream. it was so sexy! haha! sarah made a seven layer cake. it had this brownie/cake layer and it had fudge and caramel, and whip cream, and all this other stuff. so friggin good! =) i was so full! we did not finish in time so people ditched english and bible to clean. it was pretty funny... we didn’t really know how well ms. rich takes bribes. but it was food. i got a lot of candy today.. but no flowers. whatever. =/ i went home and it was such an interesting night. i was talking to bryan about certain things. then chris IMed me about the most random thing. i was kind of scared but i felt like i was being more open than i have been in the past. i do not really know what northern is going to be like. i have a feeling i will be outside of my room a lot and just listening to music. bryan called me at around 11 pm because he had to vent or talk or something of that nature. we talked for about an hour and a half about all the drama. northern is going to be great. =/ so much drama. at least i am not really a part of it. once this thing blows up it will be so weird. i feel so out of place with the northern group this year. i think it will not be as fun as last year, but gotta make the best out of it. to quote bryan “i hate valentine’s day.”

wow. haven’t blogged in a while. today was pretty fun. i was really giddy. i do not know why. i love art! it is my favorite class. all of the stress that i have just seems to disappear when i paint. west was being kind of retarded in art. it was so funny! when i was walking to physics i got kind of pissed off because i saw something. i was telling bryan that boys are gay and they lie and all that. then i went outside with bryan and jon jon. i was venting to them about how boys are gay. which is ironic considering that they are guys. =) we did not really do much in physics. i am pretty excited about the projects we have to do. ((this blog seems kind of boring. will anyone even read this?)) the freshmen did really well in chapel! victor can sing! he is so cute. he is like a little brother. they have so many talented people in their class. i talked to adam about his issues. aww! boys and girls suck! i got chocolate in chapel. yay! we watched this weird show in precal. i dunno. at least we did not have to do work. i talked to megan and bryan at lunch. MEGAN CAN GO TO PUC! i am so happy. she tried to tell me a million times but for some reason i did not get it. i got so sad. we were talking about our yearbook page. so many memories. four years went by so fast! i am going to cry on graduation day that is for sure. i gave blood! squeezing the ball every five seconds was probably the hardest thing! but i get a pint, or 12 oz in california, of free ice cream at baskin robins. but the highlight of my day was when i was walking to my locker and ms. rich was in front of me. then connie yelled from the balcony “hey ho!” and i was just like “hey...” i didn’t want to say “hey slut!” i was kind of scared ms. rich heard connie but i highly doubt it. ah megan, if you read this, i hate you! hahah...

december 26, 2004 was the best day after christmas i have ever had! my parents dropped me off at glendale galleria. i thought that i would be shopping alone but when i got to american eagle, gian popped out of nowhere and kevin was there with him. we went to abercrombie. i was looking through the sales table and i found a bag hidden in there. it was so cute! i did not know whether to buy it or not. i checked if it was on sale and IT WAS! but i was still unsure. i aksed gian and kevin if i should get is and they talked me into it. that bag was the best impulse buy i have ever done! they wanted to eat so i just went along with them. we ate at itchiban. philadelphia rolls are so good! then i went by myself to shop. i got these bags for only $10. then i went to american eagle and got the hoodie i have been wanting for a long time. christmas money is great! i came across those soft pillow carts. so i bought one for someone and a smaller one for our white elephant game later on that night. i was so tired of walking. so i went to borders to wait for jen to pick me up. i saw jen, teo, and andrew there. weird. i wrapped my presents and jen and i went to kevin's house. i was in a pissy mood but not too pissy. we played the white elephant game. i got this checkers thing. then for the secret santa, teo got me and he got me my phantom of the opera cd. yay! we ate. the prime rib was soooooooo good! and so was the strawberry chessecake. =) i was getting out of the car when jen dropped me off at home when i saw someone that looked like jed. so i called his name and it was jed. that was so werid! he wa there with ronan, xyra, and their cousin jasmine. they came to my house. xyra was taking pictures of the view from my balcony. then we went to their aunt's house which they were sleeping over at that night. we watched this filipino movie called "all my life." it was so long! then we watched "shaolin soccer." that has got to be the weirdest movie i have ever seen! it was fun! i went home at about 1 am. it was a tiring day. but so worth it!

and two months later...
haha! sorry about that. i guess blogging just isn't my thing. today i went to watch the nutcracker at uci. it was better than i expected. on our way there my cousin was telling me about a wedding she went to recently. her friend was getting married. before that, him and his fiance were picking out wedding bands. she liked this white gold one with diamonds that was $1000. but he said he could not afford it so they got a cheaper one. and on the wedding day when it was time to exchange rings he pulled out the white gold with diamonds wedding band. she was so surprised and happy. it was so cute! and he played the yukaleli or however you spell it and sang since he is part hawaiian. that is so cute! anyway... my family ate out somewhere and my mom and her sister got into a fight. i have never seen my mom get into a fight with her siblings. it was kind of scary.. the food was good though! (happy family, megan!)
these past two months have been good. i got to reconnect with a friend but i think that is over. the pattern is usually that we talk a lot for a short time then we don't talk for about two months or so.. then the cycle continues. i guess i should be used to it by now but everytime it happens i get sad. =( hindi bali.. mahal ko siya parin.. pero mag kaibigan lang kami.. err. is it just timing? i don't know. i have been trying to figure it out for the longest time and i just can't.
i have some new information that has gotten me on edge for the past month or so. can't say what but it just has. it makes me wonder so many things. ah.. just thinking about it makes me feel sick. it is nothing gross.. it is just one more thing for me to worry about.
on a lighter note.. IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! TWO MORE DAYS! i cannot wait! i am actually more excited for the day after christmas because i get to go shopping and i get to hang out with my friends. i miss kristina.
jenelyn's cousin is having her baby tonight or early tomorrow morning. i am so excited! i can't believe it has been nine months! i think she is naming it makayla or something like that.
i guess that is all i have to say. for not blogging for two months, i don't have much to say. haha! bye!

i figured out who replaced me. at first i was not certain who it was. it was a group of people. but there is one person that totally replaced me. well not totally. but then again, we shall see. on a different topic... doesn’t it piss you off when people lie to your face? for example, someone says they want to be your friend but they do not do anything about it. if they do not want to be your friend they should just tell you instead of lying to your face. if it were me, i would rather have someone tell me the truth instead of thinking that we may have a friendship and just sit there waiting for it to happen. i am fine talking to someone. but when they have a problem talking to you, they should tell you why so you do not spend time wondering what will happen. that really makes me mad! and it is not like there are any feelings left! so what is the freaking problem! man! if i blogged earlier today i think i would be so much more worked up about this. but i am calm right now. ugh! i am so frustrated! yeah. i am replaced. things we used to do they now do. i just want to know if i am wasting my time.
ALKSJDFK;LALSAFLSJFLFJASLFJLK;JGKL;JGLK;JGLJFDAKJAKDFJLKSDJLKASJKLDAFJKLASJGKLAJAKSGHK;LFKJKL;SDJFK;LSAJFKLSJFDKL;SJFLKDSFJLKADSLKFA;DSLKJF;KLDSFJLKDSAJF;KLAJSGKLHFDG;LKDSJGK;LDHKLS;FGHKL;DSJFKLDSJFKLASDJLFADSJ;LKSDJAFKLSDAJFLKSDA;LKF;SLJDF;DLJSF;JLKASGHASD;LIHG;OIDGAH;SIDGHAFSI;GOAHDG;ILADGH;KFDSHG;IAHG;OIREIHG;OGJA;DSLKGKLHGF!

SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!