some people do not see what is in front of them. instead they want something that they cannot have. there are so many other people that want them and can treat them so much better. but they are so blinded by this other person that they cannot even see these amazing people that would give them everything and not treat them like shit! change subject... today was so awkward. i went into ms. iversen’s room and there were only four of us in there. it felt so weird. even with more people it felt weird. and then i saw them together and they walked by me and i felt so awkward. i was so excited for the cruise. and then today we had a class meeting where they passed out the list of who was in who’s group. that is when i started to dread going to cruise. i do not want to see that. but today made me realize that even if it is awkward for me and i am still getting hurt a little, i still love and care about him. and i want him to be happy, even if that means me having to go through all of that. but still, it pains me so much to see, hear, and read certain things. and every time that happens it is like a sharp stab to my heart.

i know i did the right thing.

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

i just really wanted to share that lovely pick up line. i love it! i feel like i have not blogged in a long time. blah!!! lately i have been feeling like i made a mistake. i guess i just miss how things were before. i miss the talking and hanging out. but i know that if i undid what i recently did, nothing would change. it would just be the same. but was i wrong? should i not have done that? only time will tell. thinking about jr/sr is... uuuhhh. i do not mind AT ALL that i do not have a date. just the whole situation is making me dread going. i am really not looking forward to it. things could happen. and i do not know how i am going to handle it if it does. and to make things worst/interesting, northern is a week later. but at least at northern i know i can go off on my own for long periods of time to get away from everything. i know that whenever there is free time in the city, i will probably be somewhere else and not with the group. i know that i do not belong there or at least with the people going. i kind of regret not trying out for chorale. i am sure i would have more fun there. but there is nothing i can do about it now. i just have to make the best of it. i can get through this. i know i can. lksdjflksaksdfasjfkjsdjsdfjsda;fjsdkfljaskljdfkasjdf;asdkf! it is kind of sad that my friends do not talk to me about some things anymore. i do not know why. it just sucks. but it is their business so i really can’t say much about this. whatever.