i have been replaced. i have been replaced for a while now. but i am just saying it now. i was talking to jon sy and about the whole thing. he said he looked at me differently. i do not know what that means but i will take it as a good thing. haha!

in the eye of the storm by max lucado

there is a window in your heart through which you can see God. once upon a time that window was clear. your view of God was crisp. you could see God vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside. the glass was clean, the pane unbroken. you knew God. you knew how he worked. you know what he wanted you to do. no surprises. nothing unexpected. you knew that God has a will and you continually discovered what it was.
then suddenly the window cracked. a pebble broke the window. a pebble of pain. perhaps the stone struck when you were a child and a parent left home - forever. maybe the rock hit in adolscence when your heart was broken. maybe you made it into adulthood before the window cracked. but then the pebble came... whatever the pebble's form, the result was the same - a shattered window. the pebble missiled into the pane and shattered it. the crash echoed down the halls of your heart. cracks shot out from the point of impact, creating a spider web of fragmented pieces.
and suddenly God was not so easy to see. the view that had been so crisp had changed. you turned to see God, and his figure was distorted. it was hard to see him through the pain. it was hard to see him through the fragments of hurt. you were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he? tragedy and travesty weren't on the agenda of the God you had seen, were they? had you been fooled? had you been blind?
the moment the pebble struck, the glass became a reference point for you. from then on, there was life before the pain and life after the pain. before your pain, the view was clear; God seemed so near. after your pain, well, he was harder to see. he seemed a bit distant. your pain distorted the view - not eclipsed it but distorted it. maybe these words don't describe your situation. there are some people who never have to redefine or refocus their view of God. most of us do.


i just thought that that was a pretty cool description. and that is how i feel now. my relationship with God is so off right now. it has been for a while. things are just so different. there are times when i feel like i should reconnect but after a while i just do not care anymore. but even though i am so distant from God he still seems to be leading me in subtle ways. like the college i wanted to go to. well, my life feels kind of off. there are a lot of fun things happening but things just seem off. i do not know what it is. there are just some things that i miss and wish could get back. but if i push then i do not think i will ever see it again. but if i do not do anything about it then it will never happen either. but it cannot just be me that does it. it takes two to tango.