you know what kind of pisses me off, when someone has never heard a some before and then tried to sing along with it and they are just trying to guess the words. i am trying to enjoy the effin song but they are kind of ruining it for me. yeah. that pisses me off.
if there is anything going on i would really like to know. i do not like it when people try to hide it. it is eventually going to come out if there is something going on. but if there is and it is being hidden from me i will be even more pissed off than if you just told me. actually, if you just told me i would be better off. i am passed my bitter stage. i want them to be happy. but if they cannot respect me enough and just tell me if anything is going on, if there is anything, then fuck em! if you don't respect me then why should i give a fuck! DON'T EFFIN HIDE IT FROM ME! damn! and if there is something happening, then please have a little mercy on me and do not flaunt it around me. have some compassion for someone who has been hurt and is trying to move it. i think that is all the venting i have for today. =)

cRUise! wOOts! i can't wait! i am kind of scared about what megan has to tell me about what she did in the toilet. it is about her poop. i am scared. now i have to think about something to freak her out because i know that after she tells me i will not be able to sleep or eat. haha! i hope i have a lot of fun on the cruise! but the next day after we get back i have to go to erin's debut and do five dances. fudge! but we get to sleep in a hotel. wOOts! and the day after that... well, people that i talk to know what is going to happen. double wOOts for that! SO EXCITING! i know there is going to be a lot of drama during the cruise. but that is ok. i have my friends around me and they are the best! i <3 you guys! =)

some people do not see what is in front of them. instead they want something that they cannot have. there are so many other people that want them and can treat them so much better. but they are so blinded by this other person that they cannot even see these amazing people that would give them everything and not treat them like shit! change subject... today was so awkward. i went into ms. iversen’s room and there were only four of us in there. it felt so weird. even with more people it felt weird. and then i saw them together and they walked by me and i felt so awkward. i was so excited for the cruise. and then today we had a class meeting where they passed out the list of who was in who’s group. that is when i started to dread going to cruise. i do not want to see that. but today made me realize that even if it is awkward for me and i am still getting hurt a little, i still love and care about him. and i want him to be happy, even if that means me having to go through all of that. but still, it pains me so much to see, hear, and read certain things. and every time that happens it is like a sharp stab to my heart.

i know i did the right thing.

Okay, so I came over here to ask you to dance, but I'm kind of concerned. I mean, we could hit it off really well, end up having a few drinks, next thing you know you're giving me your number because I'm too shy to ask for it, I finally get up the nerve to call and we take in a movie, have some dinner, I relax, you relax, we go out a few more times, get to know each other's friends, spend a lot of time together, then finally have get past this sexual tension and really develop this intense sex life that is truly incredible, decide our relationship is solid and stable, so we move in together for a while, then a few months later get married, I get a promotion, you get a promotion, we buy a bigger house. You really want kids, but I really want freedom, but we have a kid anyway, only to find that I am resentful, the sparks start to fade and to rekindle them we have two more lovely kids, but now I work too much to keep up with the bills, have no time for you, you're stressed and stop taking really good care of yourself, so to get past our slow sex life and my declining self-confidence I turn to an outside affair for sexual gratification. You find out because I'm careless and a lousy liar, you throw me out (justifiably so) and we have to explain to the kids why mommy and daddy are splitting up. That's just too sad. Think about the children. For God's sake, if you dance with me and we hit it off, let's just keep it sexual, because we both know where it's going.

i just really wanted to share that lovely pick up line. i love it! i feel like i have not blogged in a long time. blah!!! lately i have been feeling like i made a mistake. i guess i just miss how things were before. i miss the talking and hanging out. but i know that if i undid what i recently did, nothing would change. it would just be the same. but was i wrong? should i not have done that? only time will tell. thinking about jr/sr is... uuuhhh. i do not mind AT ALL that i do not have a date. just the whole situation is making me dread going. i am really not looking forward to it. things could happen. and i do not know how i am going to handle it if it does. and to make things worst/interesting, northern is a week later. but at least at northern i know i can go off on my own for long periods of time to get away from everything. i know that whenever there is free time in the city, i will probably be somewhere else and not with the group. i know that i do not belong there or at least with the people going. i kind of regret not trying out for chorale. i am sure i would have more fun there. but there is nothing i can do about it now. i just have to make the best of it. i can get through this. i know i can. lksdjflksaksdfasjfkjsdjsdfjsda;fjsdkfljaskljdfkasjdf;asdkf! it is kind of sad that my friends do not talk to me about some things anymore. i do not know why. it just sucks. but it is their business so i really can’t say much about this. whatever.

i want you out of my life. this is hard for me to say but i need to do this. i do not know what to believe anymore. you tell me that there is nothing going on. but your words do not match your actions. i am not the only one that sees this. and others also agree with me. but you tell them the same thing you tell me. but i do not know anymore. the first time you told me, i trusted you. then i asked you again but i was not sure if i should trust you. i decided to believe it. maybe i just wanted to believe what i wanted to believe. but if i asked you again now, i know i will not believe you. the little trust i had in you is now gone. i cannot afford to have my heart broken by you again. it will hurt too much. once was enough. but that was not all i got. i know you never deliberately tried to hurt me. but the fact still remains that you did. even if you said that you wanted me back, which i am just stating as a hypothetical situation since i am sure you would never say this, i would not change my mind about wanting you out of my life. you do not deserve me. you had your chance and you blew it. you knew that i still had feelings for you, but you didn’t seem to care. you said that you were sorry that i was in pain. but it does not seem like it. you seem to be sorry because you are the one causing me the pain. if it was anyone else that was causing me pain, i bet you would not even care since it does not have anything to do with you. my heart is far too weak to run for you this long. but you probably don’t care at all. i used to want you in my life so much. but now that desire is long gone. we said that we would “try to be friends.” look how well that turned out. we went from best friends to nothing at all. but now i know i can live without you. i am probably better off because my heart will not longer ache. i am doing this so i can tell you how i feel and move on. i know that we are not in each other’s lives but saying this to you will make it official. i need you to know how i feel and i need to know how you feel. but most importantly, i need to know the truth. if there is anything that you are trying to hide, i need to know. please do not try to spare my feelings. you have not done it anytime lately so why do it now. please tell me the truth. if you cared for me anytime in your life then please tell me the complete and honest truth. i can’t stand being left in the dark, especially while i am getting hurt in the process. so please tell me. but after that i want you out of my life. i need you out of my life.


damn. it hurts. why do these things happen to me? why do i have to feel this way? it is like God said, “ok jennifer. you were happy all freshman year, sophomore year, and most of junior year. now it is time for you to be miserable. i have to balance it out. it would not be fair for you to be happy all the time. ok. here comes the misery.” i know that it is really not like that but that is just how it feels like. maybe this is happening to me so i can be stronger. i am getting stronger. what doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, right? this has been the worst week i have ever had in my life. i can honestly say that. i had so much drama with my friends. so much! then more problems with my nonexistent love life. at least one thing is fixed. but i hate how this hurts so much!

effin. i'm going to get screwed over, for sure! dang it bryan! why did you have to say that? oh well. i should have known it would never work. =/

i have been getting hurt so much lately. before i went to puc i got a paper cut on my finger. and it is in the creases where your fingers bend so every time i bent my finger or something came in contact with it, it would hurt like a mother! then after puc i was taking a shower and i saw two bruises on my leg. i probably got it from puc but i do not know how. then i got a cut from who knows where. and on friday i was “trying to be slick” and a got a splinter on my finger. but the worst injury i got was also the most embarrassing. i went to ozzie’s room to give him a check for northern. when i was opening the door, jessie and kyle were coming. so when i opened it, jessie pushed it back so it would not hit him. and since i am short the door knob hit me on my boob. it hurt so bad! you do not even know the pain! it is probably like when a guy gets kicked in the nuts. but i would not know. after that i was talking to phil. bryan walked in and i told him that i got hit in the boob. at first he thought that phil did it. but when i told him that it was the door knob he started laughing. so did megan. yeah. i know i am short! so what. but now i have a bruise on my boob. it is the worst bruise i have ever gotten in my life. that is not good. cancer! let’s hope that never happens. so much pain.
i hate econ! it is the worst class. all of my other classes are ok. but whenever i walk into econ i feel so much negativity. the class itself is ok. but i guess it is just some of the people that are in there. they remind me of so much crap. and i do not want to deal with it. i feel like certain things are being rubbed in my face. whenever i am in there i always want to leave. it is such a relief when i get out of the room. i hate it so much! i wish i could just switch periods. but i can’t. i need physics and art. having econ third period is the only way i can graduate. fuck! three more months. i just need to keep telling myself that. i hate the effin class!
ok. if a girl likes a boy and the boy knows about it (and possibly, just possibly, he might like her too, which i highly doubt), the girl deserves to either know about his feelings, and he must be very clear and honest about it, or HE SHOULD ASK HER TO JR/SR BANQUET! damn. the girl deserves one night, even if it is just a “fantasy.” it is our freaking senior year! last chance. no turning back. do one or the other! unless you plan to just string them along until who knows when. effin!

(this entry is either going to screw me over or make my day. eh, we‘ll see.)

i have been getting hurt so much lately. before i went to puc i got a paper cut on my finger. and it is in the creases where your fingers bend so every time i bent my finger or something came in contact with it, it would hurt like a mother! then after puc i was taking a shower and i saw two bruises on my leg. i probably got it from puc but i do not know how. then i got a cut from who knows where. and on friday i was “trying to be slick” and a got a splinter on my finger. but the worst injury i got was also the most embarrassing. i went to ozzie’s room to give him a check for northern. when i was opening the door, jessie and kyle were coming. so when i opened it, jessie pushed it back so it would not hit him. and since i am short the door knob hit me on my boob. it hurt so bad! you do not even know the pain! it is probably like when a guy gets kicked in the nuts. but i would not know. after that i was talking to phil. bryan walked in and i told him that i got hit in the boob. at first he thought that phil did it. but when i told him that it was the door knob he started laughing. so did megan. yeah. i know i am short! so what. but now i have a bruise on my boob. it is the worst bruise i have ever gotten in my life. that is not good. cancer! let’s hope that never happens. so much pain.
i hate econ! it is the worst class. all of my other classes are ok. but whenever i walk into econ i feel so much negativity. the class itself is ok. but i guess it is just some of the people that are in there. they remind me of so much crap. and i do not want to deal with it. i feel like certain things are being rubbed in my face. whenever i am in there i always want to leave. it is such a relief when i get out of the room. i hate it so much! i wish i could just switch periods. but i can’t. i need physics and art. having econ third period is the only way i can graduate. fuck! three more months. i just need to keep telling myself that. i hate the effin class!
ok. if a girl likes a boy and the boy knows about it (and possibly, just possibly, he might like her too, which i highly doubt), the girl deserves to either know about his feelings, and he must be very clear and honest about it, or HE SHOULD ASK HER TO JR/SR BANQUET! damn. the girl deserves one night, even if it is just a “fantasy.” it is our freaking senior year! last chance. no turning back. do one or the other! unless you plan to just string them along until who knows when. effin!

(this entry is either going to screw me over or make my day. eh, we‘ll see.)

from "The Idler" No. 23. Saturday, 23 September 1758

Life has no pleasure higher or nobler than that of friendship. It is painful to consider that this sublime enjoyment may be impaired or destroyed by innumerable causes, and that there is no human possession of which the duration is less certain...
Those who would gladly pass their days together may be seperated by the different courses of their affairs; and the friendship, like love, is destroyed by long absence, though it may be increased by short intermissions. What we have missed long enough to want it we value more when it is regained; but that which has been lost till it is forgotten, will be found at las with little gladness, and with still less if a substitute has supplied the place...


i am so sad. this is how it is going to be during college. but this is how it is for me with some people right now. =(

i don’t care. i shall wear my heart on my sleeve. or my blog. whatever. i am tired of having feelings for someone when i know that it will and can never happen. you see them everyday and you know you shouldn’t be thinking certain things. but “some of us prefer illusion to despair.” (i like referring to bryan’s blog.) i have to stop myself from thinking that it could, might, will. NO! it won’t! i really need a slap on the face (and not from megan) so i can just stop. i know it will NEVER happen. i just want it to stop COMPLETELY. i am tired. i can’t take it anymore. i do not want to worry anymore. hearts heal, don’t they? four months of school left. maybe then... i can’t believe i am actually considering going to PUC. when i went up there i felt really comfortable. i am not usually like that. maybe i am just “coming out of my shell.” but it was so much fun! especially when it was just me and megan at the dorm. if we roomed together it would be so fun! but i do not know. day after day i am considering it more and more. i wish that i could take LSU’s nursing program and put it at PUC. then i would go there for sure! but the chance of that happening is zero. =( i will just have to choose then. this is so hard! i have a roommate for LSU already. but i love PUC. I LOVE YOU ANGWIN! haha. it is so beautiful up there. if i go to LSU i can visit bryan at PUC and we can eat at giunis. he promised. this is so hard! i really do not know what school to go to. i went to PUC college days so i could miss school. i never thought i would actually like it up there! waa! i am in a pickle. i don’t want to grow up. PUC? LSU? help.

partyboybryan87: i'm watching scrubs
xxji2z3n1ferxx: gay!
partyboybryan87: and turk and carla picked a date for their wedding
partyboybryan87: april 24th

oh yeah. we are leaving on april 24, 2005 for northern. great.

everything reminds me...

yay! i am at puc.. i am not going here for college though. but bob and ivy are. and megan might. bryan is so happy. megan's a maybe!!! jennifer's not. FISHES! CHICKEN! i felt pretty comfortable when i got here. that is pretty weird because i have never really been here for a whole 24 hours. but it was realy comfortable. bryan was scared for a while but then he was with his people (haha) he got really comfortable. it is his home. anyways... classes were really boring. i knocked out because we only got a few hours of sleep. we had to switch rooms last night. we are staying with brig's cousin and pastor chung's cousin. they are so nice! they have so much food! i love it! we went to the jelly belly factory. bryan passed on his arm pain to me while we were on the bus. we both got kind of pissed off because the people were being such big asses! damn! the tour was so boring. we were going to get ice cream but we decided to wait until northern. i do not think i am going on the tour when we go to northern. i am just going to get ice cream and hang out at the cafe. the bus ride back was better. jelly bean fights! haha... today was interesting. i never go to breakfast. but i think tomorrow we actually will. stacey knocked out durning church. my cousin came. it is his birthday today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY ERIC! well i guess it was yesterday because it is 2 am at the moment. whee! but the highlight of my trip, so far, was the dating game! bryan and megan were one of the contestants! bryan won! he won a date with adrin.. i think that is how you spell her name. megan did not win though. it was so great! =) the tsunami releaf concert was good. there was rapping and hip hop dancing which was surprising to bryan. and now i am at the dorm. our hosts are not here. they are par-taying. haha! megan, bob, ashley, and brig are knocked out. ivy left already. i do not really know what to say now. oh! i learned some korean! i can carry a short, and i emphasize the word SHORT, conversation with bryan. yay for me! well that is all for me. peace out! =)

"'Cause even if it breaks your heart to be 'just friends', if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit."

people always leave... but sometimes they come back.

singles’ awareness day. it was not as bad as i thought. it actually went pretty well. i really thought that i would be totally bitter and hating it because of what happened last year. but not the case. when i got to school people were so surprised that i was wearing a skirt. I CAN’T BELIEVE I WORE A FREAKING SKIRT! people were literally announcing it to everyone. LITERALLY! i got some compliments so that made me happy.. one of the reasons why this day was not so crappy. but for some reason when i got to econ, i got brought down. it was so depressing. but then art cheered me up. from then on i felt pretty darn good. i helped get ready for the box lunch. i did not get to see the room until later. but when i saw it, it was so beautiful! our box lunch was special because it was not a normal one. we had two. kind of... we used the copy room for our “ghetto” one. it was just this cheap thing with techno music. we fed them cookies, mini burritos, california rolls, cheese, crackers, and water. the guys spent $85 on that. or so they thought. haha! they were trying to be happy but you could tell they were disappointed. but after a while, we told them that we were going to get them dessert and to close their eyes and get up. when you walk into lilybeth’s room the lights are off. there is a pathway you have to walk through of lights and candles. that led you to a candle lit table underneath icicle lights and paper hearts that were on the ceiling. the guys sat down where we put chocolate roses and they girls could sit anywhere else. the girls served the guys. there was roast, bread, pancit, california rolls, spaghetti, lasagna, enchiladas, and i think that is all. then dessert came... DESSERT!!! joanna brought those really good candy apples from her work. it was a green apple dipped in caramel, then dipped in white chocolate with graham cracker bits all over. yum... then we had berries with whipped cream. it was so sexy! haha! sarah made a seven layer cake. it had this brownie/cake layer and it had fudge and caramel, and whip cream, and all this other stuff. so friggin good! =) i was so full! we did not finish in time so people ditched english and bible to clean. it was pretty funny... we didn’t really know how well ms. rich takes bribes. but it was food. i got a lot of candy today.. but no flowers. whatever. =/ i went home and it was such an interesting night. i was talking to bryan about certain things. then chris IMed me about the most random thing. i was kind of scared but i felt like i was being more open than i have been in the past. i do not really know what northern is going to be like. i have a feeling i will be outside of my room a lot and just listening to music. bryan called me at around 11 pm because he had to vent or talk or something of that nature. we talked for about an hour and a half about all the drama. northern is going to be great. =/ so much drama. at least i am not really a part of it. once this thing blows up it will be so weird. i feel so out of place with the northern group this year. i think it will not be as fun as last year, but gotta make the best out of it. to quote bryan “i hate valentine’s day.”

wow. haven’t blogged in a while. today was pretty fun. i was really giddy. i do not know why. i love art! it is my favorite class. all of the stress that i have just seems to disappear when i paint. west was being kind of retarded in art. it was so funny! when i was walking to physics i got kind of pissed off because i saw something. i was telling bryan that boys are gay and they lie and all that. then i went outside with bryan and jon jon. i was venting to them about how boys are gay. which is ironic considering that they are guys. =) we did not really do much in physics. i am pretty excited about the projects we have to do. ((this blog seems kind of boring. will anyone even read this?)) the freshmen did really well in chapel! victor can sing! he is so cute. he is like a little brother. they have so many talented people in their class. i talked to adam about his issues. aww! boys and girls suck! i got chocolate in chapel. yay! we watched this weird show in precal. i dunno. at least we did not have to do work. i talked to megan and bryan at lunch. MEGAN CAN GO TO PUC! i am so happy. she tried to tell me a million times but for some reason i did not get it. i got so sad. we were talking about our yearbook page. so many memories. four years went by so fast! i am going to cry on graduation day that is for sure. i gave blood! squeezing the ball every five seconds was probably the hardest thing! but i get a pint, or 12 oz in california, of free ice cream at baskin robins. but the highlight of my day was when i was walking to my locker and ms. rich was in front of me. then connie yelled from the balcony “hey ho!” and i was just like “hey...” i didn’t want to say “hey slut!” i was kind of scared ms. rich heard connie but i highly doubt it. ah megan, if you read this, i hate you! hahah...

december 26, 2004 was the best day after christmas i have ever had! my parents dropped me off at glendale galleria. i thought that i would be shopping alone but when i got to american eagle, gian popped out of nowhere and kevin was there with him. we went to abercrombie. i was looking through the sales table and i found a bag hidden in there. it was so cute! i did not know whether to buy it or not. i checked if it was on sale and IT WAS! but i was still unsure. i aksed gian and kevin if i should get is and they talked me into it. that bag was the best impulse buy i have ever done! they wanted to eat so i just went along with them. we ate at itchiban. philadelphia rolls are so good! then i went by myself to shop. i got these bags for only $10. then i went to american eagle and got the hoodie i have been wanting for a long time. christmas money is great! i came across those soft pillow carts. so i bought one for someone and a smaller one for our white elephant game later on that night. i was so tired of walking. so i went to borders to wait for jen to pick me up. i saw jen, teo, and andrew there. weird. i wrapped my presents and jen and i went to kevin's house. i was in a pissy mood but not too pissy. we played the white elephant game. i got this checkers thing. then for the secret santa, teo got me and he got me my phantom of the opera cd. yay! we ate. the prime rib was soooooooo good! and so was the strawberry chessecake. =) i was getting out of the car when jen dropped me off at home when i saw someone that looked like jed. so i called his name and it was jed. that was so werid! he wa there with ronan, xyra, and their cousin jasmine. they came to my house. xyra was taking pictures of the view from my balcony. then we went to their aunt's house which they were sleeping over at that night. we watched this filipino movie called "all my life." it was so long! then we watched "shaolin soccer." that has got to be the weirdest movie i have ever seen! it was fun! i went home at about 1 am. it was a tiring day. but so worth it!

and two months later...
haha! sorry about that. i guess blogging just isn't my thing. today i went to watch the nutcracker at uci. it was better than i expected. on our way there my cousin was telling me about a wedding she went to recently. her friend was getting married. before that, him and his fiance were picking out wedding bands. she liked this white gold one with diamonds that was $1000. but he said he could not afford it so they got a cheaper one. and on the wedding day when it was time to exchange rings he pulled out the white gold with diamonds wedding band. she was so surprised and happy. it was so cute! and he played the yukaleli or however you spell it and sang since he is part hawaiian. that is so cute! anyway... my family ate out somewhere and my mom and her sister got into a fight. i have never seen my mom get into a fight with her siblings. it was kind of scary.. the food was good though! (happy family, megan!)
these past two months have been good. i got to reconnect with a friend but i think that is over. the pattern is usually that we talk a lot for a short time then we don't talk for about two months or so.. then the cycle continues. i guess i should be used to it by now but everytime it happens i get sad. =( hindi bali.. mahal ko siya parin.. pero mag kaibigan lang kami.. err. is it just timing? i don't know. i have been trying to figure it out for the longest time and i just can't.
i have some new information that has gotten me on edge for the past month or so. can't say what but it just has. it makes me wonder so many things. ah.. just thinking about it makes me feel sick. it is nothing gross.. it is just one more thing for me to worry about.
on a lighter note.. IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! TWO MORE DAYS! i cannot wait! i am actually more excited for the day after christmas because i get to go shopping and i get to hang out with my friends. i miss kristina.
jenelyn's cousin is having her baby tonight or early tomorrow morning. i am so excited! i can't believe it has been nine months! i think she is naming it makayla or something like that.
i guess that is all i have to say. for not blogging for two months, i don't have much to say. haha! bye!

i figured out who replaced me. at first i was not certain who it was. it was a group of people. but there is one person that totally replaced me. well not totally. but then again, we shall see. on a different topic... doesn’t it piss you off when people lie to your face? for example, someone says they want to be your friend but they do not do anything about it. if they do not want to be your friend they should just tell you instead of lying to your face. if it were me, i would rather have someone tell me the truth instead of thinking that we may have a friendship and just sit there waiting for it to happen. i am fine talking to someone. but when they have a problem talking to you, they should tell you why so you do not spend time wondering what will happen. that really makes me mad! and it is not like there are any feelings left! so what is the freaking problem! man! if i blogged earlier today i think i would be so much more worked up about this. but i am calm right now. ugh! i am so frustrated! yeah. i am replaced. things we used to do they now do. i just want to know if i am wasting my time.
ALKSJDFK;LALSAFLSJFLFJASLFJLK;JGKL;JGLK;JGLJFDAKJAKDFJLKSDJLKASJKLDAFJKLASJGKLAJAKSGHK;LFKJKL;SDJFK;LSAJFKLSJFDKL;SJFLKDSFJLKADSLKFA;DSLKJF;KLDSFJLKDSAJF;KLAJSGKLHFDG;LKDSJGK;LDHKLS;FGHKL;DSJFKLDSJFKLASDJLFADSJ;LKSDJAFKLSDAJFLKSDA;LKF;SLJDF;DLJSF;JLKASGHASD;LIHG;OIDGAH;SIDGHAFSI;GOAHDG;ILADGH;KFDSHG;IAHG;OIREIHG;OGJA;DSLKGKLHGF!

SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

i had SATs today. boo! surprisingly my head did not hurt. that is a first. then rachel and i went to target. i bought my cool turquoise butterfly chair. i am so happy! it was only $10. it used to be $20. we went to starbucks. i tried the espresso brownie. yum! then we went to yoshinoya. i was so hungry! after taking the SATs my brain was in much need of food. we went to rachel's house so erin could pick us up. rachel and darren talked on the phone. gag! haha! just kidding! erin and noemi came. we got to mark's house and practiced. erin's cousin came. the habanera was so hard! but we are halfway done so it is all good. we did the haukilau or however you spell it. that song is stuck in my head! it has been for the entire day! now we're going, to the haukilau...

i have been replaced. i have been replaced for a while now. but i am just saying it now. i was talking to jon sy and about the whole thing. he said he looked at me differently. i do not know what that means but i will take it as a good thing. haha!

in the eye of the storm by max lucado

there is a window in your heart through which you can see God. once upon a time that window was clear. your view of God was crisp. you could see God vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside. the glass was clean, the pane unbroken. you knew God. you knew how he worked. you know what he wanted you to do. no surprises. nothing unexpected. you knew that God has a will and you continually discovered what it was.
then suddenly the window cracked. a pebble broke the window. a pebble of pain. perhaps the stone struck when you were a child and a parent left home - forever. maybe the rock hit in adolscence when your heart was broken. maybe you made it into adulthood before the window cracked. but then the pebble came... whatever the pebble's form, the result was the same - a shattered window. the pebble missiled into the pane and shattered it. the crash echoed down the halls of your heart. cracks shot out from the point of impact, creating a spider web of fragmented pieces.
and suddenly God was not so easy to see. the view that had been so crisp had changed. you turned to see God, and his figure was distorted. it was hard to see him through the pain. it was hard to see him through the fragments of hurt. you were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he? tragedy and travesty weren't on the agenda of the God you had seen, were they? had you been fooled? had you been blind?
the moment the pebble struck, the glass became a reference point for you. from then on, there was life before the pain and life after the pain. before your pain, the view was clear; God seemed so near. after your pain, well, he was harder to see. he seemed a bit distant. your pain distorted the view - not eclipsed it but distorted it. maybe these words don't describe your situation. there are some people who never have to redefine or refocus their view of God. most of us do.


i just thought that that was a pretty cool description. and that is how i feel now. my relationship with God is so off right now. it has been for a while. things are just so different. there are times when i feel like i should reconnect but after a while i just do not care anymore. but even though i am so distant from God he still seems to be leading me in subtle ways. like the college i wanted to go to. well, my life feels kind of off. there are a lot of fun things happening but things just seem off. i do not know what it is. there are just some things that i miss and wish could get back. but if i push then i do not think i will ever see it again. but if i do not do anything about it then it will never happen either. but it cannot just be me that does it. it takes two to tango.

i just got back from my first behind the wheel experience. it was an interesting experience. at first i thought that we were just going to an empty parking lot and practice. but then i got behind the wheel and started driving around the steet. i was pretty freaked out considering the fact that I HAVE NEVER DRIVEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE! the closest thing i got to being behind the wheel was sitting down in the driver's seat because i was tired. well we drove, and drove, and drove... my butt started to hurt after about two hours of driving. we went over the time limit by thirty minutes. it was really traffic that is why. i hate traffic! grr... we went through residential areas and local streets. on our way home my instructor told me to go onto the freeway. i was like "why?" do people normally go on the freeway the very first time they drive, ever?!?! it was pretty scary. but i have decided that i like going fast! woohoo! but i could not really go that fast because there were too many cars. but that is ok. next time.

the first day of senior year sucked! i hate this year! i am too annoyed to say anything else about it.

but i passed my permit test. but i do not really care. only my parents do. =/