quote: why does it hurt so much? will it always hurt this much?

alright. i am being vulnerable. i am putting all of my emotions at the moment on the table. whenever i do this my mind always seems to go blank. after chris and i broke up of course i cried my eyes out. then after a while i stopped crying but everything just seemed so screwed up. chris and i did not even have a relationship anymore. we would not talk at all and when we did for some reason we would end up fighting. that is my fault. i was so anxious for spring break to come because maybe i could clear my head and start getting over him. but for some reason that is not the case. we talk online a little but i do not know. spring break has been crap for me. i cannot even spend time with my friends because my dad is in the philippines and no one can drive me anywhere. the last time i saw anyone from school was on saturday and that was jenelyn. i have only talked to about five people online this whole week and that sucks. i really just want high school to be over with. it seems like the pain just keeps coming back and it never goes away! i just want to feel better! and last night did not help at all. i was going to go to sleep but i ended up thinking of how much i missed him and all the things we have been through. then i started to think about how i handled this whole break up and how i drove him away. now he probably does not want to be my friend anymore. and even if we did get anther chance to be together i doubt that he would want to. i know that he deserves to be happy and i want him to be happy. but it hurts to see him so happy and realize that i am not the one that makes him happy anymore and never will be. i kind of envy him because it seems like he can just brush it off his shoulders and be happy. i wish that i could be happy. i do not know how he does it. how can he get over someone he has been with for about two years and be happy? i wish i knew his secret because i could use some of the joy right about now. i thought that my tears would be all gone by now. but they just keep coming! i just miss him. i miss how we used to talk on the phone for hours and never get tired of each other. we would talk about everything. have you ever been with someone that was also your best friend? (jed gets it.) and when you guys break up it is the hardest thing in the world to let go of. i am still trying to let go. it is just so damn hard! i am sorry if people are fed up with me and this whole thing. but if you are then just tell me and I WILL STAY THE HELL AWAY FROM YOU! aiya! i need emotional support! hmm... i used to get that from him. now everything has changed. i cannot even talk to him anymore. about anything! but i should not expect anything from him since we are not together or really friends. which sucks. last night i had horrible dreams. it was like my nightmares were coming true. i was sitting in a room with *****. (i do not want to mention her name.) and i asked her who she was going to go with to junior senior. i suggested that she go with chris because i think that something will happen between them. then she calls him and they start talking and i guess sparks fly and yeah. that is a nightmare for me, that chris will move on faster than i will and with another person. then i had all these other dreams about me and chris and i could not sleep. i kept tossing and turning. i was half awake and half dreaming. it was horrible! my heart felt to heavy because it hurt so much. it was a horrible night! i wish i could be happy. i wish i could talk to him. i wish i could be his friend again. i wish lots of things. i hate how things are. i hate how i drove him away. i hate that i lost my best friend. my spring break sucks. everyone got to do something. i have been so lonely! just sitting here alone with my thoughts. do you know how that can drive a person nuts?!?! well i really do not know what else to write. it is time for me to stop being vulnerable. peace.