"'Cause even if it breaks your heart to be 'just friends', if you really care about someone, you'll take the hit."

people always leave... but sometimes they come back.

singles’ awareness day. it was not as bad as i thought. it actually went pretty well. i really thought that i would be totally bitter and hating it because of what happened last year. but not the case. when i got to school people were so surprised that i was wearing a skirt. I CAN’T BELIEVE I WORE A FREAKING SKIRT! people were literally announcing it to everyone. LITERALLY! i got some compliments so that made me happy.. one of the reasons why this day was not so crappy. but for some reason when i got to econ, i got brought down. it was so depressing. but then art cheered me up. from then on i felt pretty darn good. i helped get ready for the box lunch. i did not get to see the room until later. but when i saw it, it was so beautiful! our box lunch was special because it was not a normal one. we had two. kind of... we used the copy room for our “ghetto” one. it was just this cheap thing with techno music. we fed them cookies, mini burritos, california rolls, cheese, crackers, and water. the guys spent $85 on that. or so they thought. haha! they were trying to be happy but you could tell they were disappointed. but after a while, we told them that we were going to get them dessert and to close their eyes and get up. when you walk into lilybeth’s room the lights are off. there is a pathway you have to walk through of lights and candles. that led you to a candle lit table underneath icicle lights and paper hearts that were on the ceiling. the guys sat down where we put chocolate roses and they girls could sit anywhere else. the girls served the guys. there was roast, bread, pancit, california rolls, spaghetti, lasagna, enchiladas, and i think that is all. then dessert came... DESSERT!!! joanna brought those really good candy apples from her work. it was a green apple dipped in caramel, then dipped in white chocolate with graham cracker bits all over. yum... then we had berries with whipped cream. it was so sexy! haha! sarah made a seven layer cake. it had this brownie/cake layer and it had fudge and caramel, and whip cream, and all this other stuff. so friggin good! =) i was so full! we did not finish in time so people ditched english and bible to clean. it was pretty funny... we didn’t really know how well ms. rich takes bribes. but it was food. i got a lot of candy today.. but no flowers. whatever. =/ i went home and it was such an interesting night. i was talking to bryan about certain things. then chris IMed me about the most random thing. i was kind of scared but i felt like i was being more open than i have been in the past. i do not really know what northern is going to be like. i have a feeling i will be outside of my room a lot and just listening to music. bryan called me at around 11 pm because he had to vent or talk or something of that nature. we talked for about an hour and a half about all the drama. northern is going to be great. =/ so much drama. at least i am not really a part of it. once this thing blows up it will be so weird. i feel so out of place with the northern group this year. i think it will not be as fun as last year, but gotta make the best out of it. to quote bryan “i hate valentine’s day.”

wow. haven’t blogged in a while. today was pretty fun. i was really giddy. i do not know why. i love art! it is my favorite class. all of the stress that i have just seems to disappear when i paint. west was being kind of retarded in art. it was so funny! when i was walking to physics i got kind of pissed off because i saw something. i was telling bryan that boys are gay and they lie and all that. then i went outside with bryan and jon jon. i was venting to them about how boys are gay. which is ironic considering that they are guys. =) we did not really do much in physics. i am pretty excited about the projects we have to do. ((this blog seems kind of boring. will anyone even read this?)) the freshmen did really well in chapel! victor can sing! he is so cute. he is like a little brother. they have so many talented people in their class. i talked to adam about his issues. aww! boys and girls suck! i got chocolate in chapel. yay! we watched this weird show in precal. i dunno. at least we did not have to do work. i talked to megan and bryan at lunch. MEGAN CAN GO TO PUC! i am so happy. she tried to tell me a million times but for some reason i did not get it. i got so sad. we were talking about our yearbook page. so many memories. four years went by so fast! i am going to cry on graduation day that is for sure. i gave blood! squeezing the ball every five seconds was probably the hardest thing! but i get a pint, or 12 oz in california, of free ice cream at baskin robins. but the highlight of my day was when i was walking to my locker and ms. rich was in front of me. then connie yelled from the balcony “hey ho!” and i was just like “hey...” i didn’t want to say “hey slut!” i was kind of scared ms. rich heard connie but i highly doubt it. ah megan, if you read this, i hate you! hahah...

december 26, 2004 was the best day after christmas i have ever had! my parents dropped me off at glendale galleria. i thought that i would be shopping alone but when i got to american eagle, gian popped out of nowhere and kevin was there with him. we went to abercrombie. i was looking through the sales table and i found a bag hidden in there. it was so cute! i did not know whether to buy it or not. i checked if it was on sale and IT WAS! but i was still unsure. i aksed gian and kevin if i should get is and they talked me into it. that bag was the best impulse buy i have ever done! they wanted to eat so i just went along with them. we ate at itchiban. philadelphia rolls are so good! then i went by myself to shop. i got these bags for only $10. then i went to american eagle and got the hoodie i have been wanting for a long time. christmas money is great! i came across those soft pillow carts. so i bought one for someone and a smaller one for our white elephant game later on that night. i was so tired of walking. so i went to borders to wait for jen to pick me up. i saw jen, teo, and andrew there. weird. i wrapped my presents and jen and i went to kevin's house. i was in a pissy mood but not too pissy. we played the white elephant game. i got this checkers thing. then for the secret santa, teo got me and he got me my phantom of the opera cd. yay! we ate. the prime rib was soooooooo good! and so was the strawberry chessecake. =) i was getting out of the car when jen dropped me off at home when i saw someone that looked like jed. so i called his name and it was jed. that was so werid! he wa there with ronan, xyra, and their cousin jasmine. they came to my house. xyra was taking pictures of the view from my balcony. then we went to their aunt's house which they were sleeping over at that night. we watched this filipino movie called "all my life." it was so long! then we watched "shaolin soccer." that has got to be the weirdest movie i have ever seen! it was fun! i went home at about 1 am. it was a tiring day. but so worth it!

and two months later...
haha! sorry about that. i guess blogging just isn't my thing. today i went to watch the nutcracker at uci. it was better than i expected. on our way there my cousin was telling me about a wedding she went to recently. her friend was getting married. before that, him and his fiance were picking out wedding bands. she liked this white gold one with diamonds that was $1000. but he said he could not afford it so they got a cheaper one. and on the wedding day when it was time to exchange rings he pulled out the white gold with diamonds wedding band. she was so surprised and happy. it was so cute! and he played the yukaleli or however you spell it and sang since he is part hawaiian. that is so cute! anyway... my family ate out somewhere and my mom and her sister got into a fight. i have never seen my mom get into a fight with her siblings. it was kind of scary.. the food was good though! (happy family, megan!)
these past two months have been good. i got to reconnect with a friend but i think that is over. the pattern is usually that we talk a lot for a short time then we don't talk for about two months or so.. then the cycle continues. i guess i should be used to it by now but everytime it happens i get sad. =( hindi bali.. mahal ko siya parin.. pero mag kaibigan lang kami.. err. is it just timing? i don't know. i have been trying to figure it out for the longest time and i just can't.
i have some new information that has gotten me on edge for the past month or so. can't say what but it just has. it makes me wonder so many things. ah.. just thinking about it makes me feel sick. it is nothing gross.. it is just one more thing for me to worry about.
on a lighter note.. IT IS ALMOST CHRISTMAS! TWO MORE DAYS! i cannot wait! i am actually more excited for the day after christmas because i get to go shopping and i get to hang out with my friends. i miss kristina.
jenelyn's cousin is having her baby tonight or early tomorrow morning. i am so excited! i can't believe it has been nine months! i think she is naming it makayla or something like that.
i guess that is all i have to say. for not blogging for two months, i don't have much to say. haha! bye!

i figured out who replaced me. at first i was not certain who it was. it was a group of people. but there is one person that totally replaced me. well not totally. but then again, we shall see. on a different topic... doesn’t it piss you off when people lie to your face? for example, someone says they want to be your friend but they do not do anything about it. if they do not want to be your friend they should just tell you instead of lying to your face. if it were me, i would rather have someone tell me the truth instead of thinking that we may have a friendship and just sit there waiting for it to happen. i am fine talking to someone. but when they have a problem talking to you, they should tell you why so you do not spend time wondering what will happen. that really makes me mad! and it is not like there are any feelings left! so what is the freaking problem! man! if i blogged earlier today i think i would be so much more worked up about this. but i am calm right now. ugh! i am so frustrated! yeah. i am replaced. things we used to do they now do. i just want to know if i am wasting my time.
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SO FUCKING FRUSTRATED! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

i had SATs today. boo! surprisingly my head did not hurt. that is a first. then rachel and i went to target. i bought my cool turquoise butterfly chair. i am so happy! it was only $10. it used to be $20. we went to starbucks. i tried the espresso brownie. yum! then we went to yoshinoya. i was so hungry! after taking the SATs my brain was in much need of food. we went to rachel's house so erin could pick us up. rachel and darren talked on the phone. gag! haha! just kidding! erin and noemi came. we got to mark's house and practiced. erin's cousin came. the habanera was so hard! but we are halfway done so it is all good. we did the haukilau or however you spell it. that song is stuck in my head! it has been for the entire day! now we're going, to the haukilau...

i have been replaced. i have been replaced for a while now. but i am just saying it now. i was talking to jon sy and about the whole thing. he said he looked at me differently. i do not know what that means but i will take it as a good thing. haha!

in the eye of the storm by max lucado

there is a window in your heart through which you can see God. once upon a time that window was clear. your view of God was crisp. you could see God vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside. the glass was clean, the pane unbroken. you knew God. you knew how he worked. you know what he wanted you to do. no surprises. nothing unexpected. you knew that God has a will and you continually discovered what it was.
then suddenly the window cracked. a pebble broke the window. a pebble of pain. perhaps the stone struck when you were a child and a parent left home - forever. maybe the rock hit in adolscence when your heart was broken. maybe you made it into adulthood before the window cracked. but then the pebble came... whatever the pebble's form, the result was the same - a shattered window. the pebble missiled into the pane and shattered it. the crash echoed down the halls of your heart. cracks shot out from the point of impact, creating a spider web of fragmented pieces.
and suddenly God was not so easy to see. the view that had been so crisp had changed. you turned to see God, and his figure was distorted. it was hard to see him through the pain. it was hard to see him through the fragments of hurt. you were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he? tragedy and travesty weren't on the agenda of the God you had seen, were they? had you been fooled? had you been blind?
the moment the pebble struck, the glass became a reference point for you. from then on, there was life before the pain and life after the pain. before your pain, the view was clear; God seemed so near. after your pain, well, he was harder to see. he seemed a bit distant. your pain distorted the view - not eclipsed it but distorted it. maybe these words don't describe your situation. there are some people who never have to redefine or refocus their view of God. most of us do.


i just thought that that was a pretty cool description. and that is how i feel now. my relationship with God is so off right now. it has been for a while. things are just so different. there are times when i feel like i should reconnect but after a while i just do not care anymore. but even though i am so distant from God he still seems to be leading me in subtle ways. like the college i wanted to go to. well, my life feels kind of off. there are a lot of fun things happening but things just seem off. i do not know what it is. there are just some things that i miss and wish could get back. but if i push then i do not think i will ever see it again. but if i do not do anything about it then it will never happen either. but it cannot just be me that does it. it takes two to tango.

i just got back from my first behind the wheel experience. it was an interesting experience. at first i thought that we were just going to an empty parking lot and practice. but then i got behind the wheel and started driving around the steet. i was pretty freaked out considering the fact that I HAVE NEVER DRIVEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE! the closest thing i got to being behind the wheel was sitting down in the driver's seat because i was tired. well we drove, and drove, and drove... my butt started to hurt after about two hours of driving. we went over the time limit by thirty minutes. it was really traffic that is why. i hate traffic! grr... we went through residential areas and local streets. on our way home my instructor told me to go onto the freeway. i was like "why?" do people normally go on the freeway the very first time they drive, ever?!?! it was pretty scary. but i have decided that i like going fast! woohoo! but i could not really go that fast because there were too many cars. but that is ok. next time.

the first day of senior year sucked! i hate this year! i am too annoyed to say anything else about it.

but i passed my permit test. but i do not really care. only my parents do. =/

it is the last day of vacation. i am so sad. this vacation was probably the best vacation that i have had! i went out so much! at least once a week. there was even one point where i did not sleep over at my house for three consecutive saturday nights. that was fun! i am surprised my parents let me. they are getting to be more lenient with me. yay! so when i drive i will probably never be home. but that is ok. they can get used to me not being home since i am going away for college. well this summer has been excellent! i shall miss you summer 2004. i bid you farewell!

"pieces of me" by ashlee simpson

it was a long hot day. jen and i went to school at around 2 pm because she had to give some of the teachers something. then we went to the west covina mall. i bought a messenger back and jen bought a back pack. we looked at the earrings at claire's. then we went to ikea to get stuff for my room. i got a lot of frames for cheap and got these cool blue vases that i am going to put flowers in. i finally got a cd rack. my mom will be so thrilled. i bought jen some of those cookies that taste like ferrera rocher. yum. then we went to lsu. we hung out with kristina and laura at the learning center. pearl was there too. but she is only there for the summer then going back to puc. erin came and we went to applebees to eat. it was so good! i really do not want to go into detail. it was just really fun! then we said bye to each other. jen and i left. she helped me with my stuff. she said bye to my dad. this may be the last day i see jen. aww! i am so sad!

well i feel like an idiot. i opened up a topic that i wish i did not. is it me? is there something wrong with me? aww crap. it has been six months. these feelings should not be back. maybe it is me as a person. other people say it takes longer than six months. maybe i am just easier to get over?

WE HAVE A BADMINTON SET! WOOHOO! AND I PLAYED TODAY! ANYONE WANT TO PLAY?

yesterday i went to my cousin's house after church. we ate and watched "13 going on 30." good movie! my auntie gave me a coach bag but i do not know if it is real or fake. but that is ok. then my dad took me to khaing's house for her party. i do not really want to talk about it. let's just say it was interesting. yeah.

well today i went to the mall with my family. i got some stuff. not much to say. sorry but i do not feel like writing. i will blog later, maybe.

wow! i totally did not realize that it was FRIDAY THE 13 until i came home and read phil's away message. oOOoo... scary day.

but it was not too scary for me. i went out with the pTc chicks today. we met up at west covina mall to buy our care bear shirts at hot topic. i hate their return policy! but whatever. i will just get a better shirt. after the mall we went to this filipino restaurant. i forgot what it was called. but it was cool because kristina and i were talking to them in tagalog. but erin and jen were just like "yeah. uh huh." funny stuff. then we went to tkt to take pictures. (we are not going to take all pTc pictures anymore because jen cannot be there.) we had to wait for a little bit so we decided to eat. the food was soooo good! i love filipino food! maybe it was because i have not had it in a long time. but none the less, it was de-li-shay-us! we decided to cut our wardrobe in half. so we only wore two different outfits. we wore jean and our care bear shirts and the other one was black dresses. well it was not all black. but yeah. we all have our own care bear character. i am bedtime bear. so i had a shirt and the bear. it was pretty cool. they are in our colors too. of course we made fun of jen and gave her a guilt trip about leaving us. then we waited for our pictures and ate. then we went to ikea. there are so many things that i want to get for my room! yay! i am excited! fantastic day! woot! =)

well, things are back to the way it has been for the past six months. i cannot believe it has been six months. well almost six months, at least. i guess i will just have to get used to this. one more year... sigh.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY KHAING SABE!
me so full! i went out with jen, khaing, and masaki for khaing's birthday. jen and i picked up khaing at paseo after she got off work. it is so gay that she had to work during her birthday. stupid boss! we went to watch "little black book." masaki met us there. i liked the movie. it is not a typical love story. i recommend you watch it. then we went to pizza hut and khaing ordered pizza. we went back to her place to eat. we watched the teen choice awards. then we had ice cream cake. ice cream cake. yum. i ate so much! we all did! i am going to go watch "bruce almighty" and run. bye suckers!

i am tired. i had to wake up at 7:30 am to call my piano teacher and to reschedule. i tried to go back to sleep. i got a little rest. my dad woke me up at 9:30 am to get ready to go to anaheim to get uniforms. i was so out of it. it took us about thirty minutes to get to the true grits store. we were there for a while, trying on uniforms. i hate uniforms. but i am kind of glad that i do not have to pick out what to wear everyday. well i still do but now my options are limited, which makes it easier for me. we then went to jack in the box to eat lunch. then we went to sga to buy my bible book. i had to ask pastor peeke who my bible teacher is. jo, lori, and i were confused. we got to choose our bible classes or something like that. well i was going to tell holly what i wanted when i saw chris there. that was so uncalled for! my heart started beating really fast because i was so scared! my mom was there and people were saying his name. i was so scared that she was going to say something to me. but she did not. phew! well then, we went to hawaii supermarket to buy some things. then we went home. it was such a hot day today! but it is nice and cool in my house. yay!

back to LA county. this weekend has been fun! church was pretty boring. but then we went to the cafe and they started talking about college. it was so weird! only kevin and i are the only ones left in high school. boo! but that is ok. we will have our time. it is all good. anyways, jen and i left for riverside at around 6 pm. we got starbucks on our way there. woohoo! i have not had starbucks in a while. i feel bad for erin because she has to drive an hour everyday to get to school and back home. she should just dorm. but that is not her decision. well we got to riverside. i played frisbee with kevin and daryl. the other people talked to erin’s neighbor, sam. i do not know him but i think i met him before. erin, kristina, and teo came and we ate. then we had to pick up kristopher at LSU. we went to the drive in movie. it was so cool! i can finally say that i have been to a drive in movie. jenelyn kept calling it a drive thru movie. aiya. we watched “collateral.” good movie. i would recommend it. we stayed at the drive in for a little bit longer and then us girls took kristina home. erin and i were going through all the lollipops that kristina had to find the flavors we liked. strawberry. yum! we went back to erin’s place. there was this cat that would not leave. stupid cat! dogs are better! haha! derek and mylene were there. we started watching “fahrenheit 9/11” but then we ended up playing poker. we played for about four hours or so. kristopher and i were the last ones left. we decided to just forget about it. i think i played well. heehee! we watched “shrek 2!” funny movie! we did not sleep until 6 am. us girls just talked about different things. i could not sleep for a while because it was waaaay too hot and daryl was snoring so loud! but i got about a good four hours of sleep. we woke up and ate. then we did some karaoke. jen was being so stupid! we ended up not helping kristina with her dorm. oh well. jen and i went home. it was so freaking hot! well not i am home now and i am really not tired. so yeah. jen and i are going to paint tomorrow. i am excited! if i like it i think i will hang it in my room. but we shall see. PIECES!

well my week has been pretty boring. after i got home from jen's house on sunday i started to read but then fell asleep. i only got about four hours of sleep saturday night. then i read "the little prince." it was a pretty good book. then on monday i read "the reader." it is a pretty erotic book. haha! damn it! i hate my keyboard!!! i cannot type correctly. screw this! that was all i needed to say anyway. bye!