i have been replaced. i have been replaced for a while now. but i am just saying it now. i was talking to jon sy and about the whole thing. he said he looked at me differently. i do not know what that means but i will take it as a good thing. haha!

in the eye of the storm by max lucado

there is a window in your heart through which you can see God. once upon a time that window was clear. your view of God was crisp. you could see God vividly as you could see a gentle valley or hillside. the glass was clean, the pane unbroken. you knew God. you knew how he worked. you know what he wanted you to do. no surprises. nothing unexpected. you knew that God has a will and you continually discovered what it was.
then suddenly the window cracked. a pebble broke the window. a pebble of pain. perhaps the stone struck when you were a child and a parent left home - forever. maybe the rock hit in adolscence when your heart was broken. maybe you made it into adulthood before the window cracked. but then the pebble came... whatever the pebble's form, the result was the same - a shattered window. the pebble missiled into the pane and shattered it. the crash echoed down the halls of your heart. cracks shot out from the point of impact, creating a spider web of fragmented pieces.
and suddenly God was not so easy to see. the view that had been so crisp had changed. you turned to see God, and his figure was distorted. it was hard to see him through the pain. it was hard to see him through the fragments of hurt. you were puzzled. God wouldn't allow something like this to happen, would he? tragedy and travesty weren't on the agenda of the God you had seen, were they? had you been fooled? had you been blind?
the moment the pebble struck, the glass became a reference point for you. from then on, there was life before the pain and life after the pain. before your pain, the view was clear; God seemed so near. after your pain, well, he was harder to see. he seemed a bit distant. your pain distorted the view - not eclipsed it but distorted it. maybe these words don't describe your situation. there are some people who never have to redefine or refocus their view of God. most of us do.


i just thought that that was a pretty cool description. and that is how i feel now. my relationship with God is so off right now. it has been for a while. things are just so different. there are times when i feel like i should reconnect but after a while i just do not care anymore. but even though i am so distant from God he still seems to be leading me in subtle ways. like the college i wanted to go to. well, my life feels kind of off. there are a lot of fun things happening but things just seem off. i do not know what it is. there are just some things that i miss and wish could get back. but if i push then i do not think i will ever see it again. but if i do not do anything about it then it will never happen either. but it cannot just be me that does it. it takes two to tango.

i just got back from my first behind the wheel experience. it was an interesting experience. at first i thought that we were just going to an empty parking lot and practice. but then i got behind the wheel and started driving around the steet. i was pretty freaked out considering the fact that I HAVE NEVER DRIVEN BEFORE IN MY LIFE! the closest thing i got to being behind the wheel was sitting down in the driver's seat because i was tired. well we drove, and drove, and drove... my butt started to hurt after about two hours of driving. we went over the time limit by thirty minutes. it was really traffic that is why. i hate traffic! grr... we went through residential areas and local streets. on our way home my instructor told me to go onto the freeway. i was like "why?" do people normally go on the freeway the very first time they drive, ever?!?! it was pretty scary. but i have decided that i like going fast! woohoo! but i could not really go that fast because there were too many cars. but that is ok. next time.

the first day of senior year sucked! i hate this year! i am too annoyed to say anything else about it.

but i passed my permit test. but i do not really care. only my parents do. =/

it is the last day of vacation. i am so sad. this vacation was probably the best vacation that i have had! i went out so much! at least once a week. there was even one point where i did not sleep over at my house for three consecutive saturday nights. that was fun! i am surprised my parents let me. they are getting to be more lenient with me. yay! so when i drive i will probably never be home. but that is ok. they can get used to me not being home since i am going away for college. well this summer has been excellent! i shall miss you summer 2004. i bid you farewell!

"pieces of me" by ashlee simpson

it was a long hot day. jen and i went to school at around 2 pm because she had to give some of the teachers something. then we went to the west covina mall. i bought a messenger back and jen bought a back pack. we looked at the earrings at claire's. then we went to ikea to get stuff for my room. i got a lot of frames for cheap and got these cool blue vases that i am going to put flowers in. i finally got a cd rack. my mom will be so thrilled. i bought jen some of those cookies that taste like ferrera rocher. yum. then we went to lsu. we hung out with kristina and laura at the learning center. pearl was there too. but she is only there for the summer then going back to puc. erin came and we went to applebees to eat. it was so good! i really do not want to go into detail. it was just really fun! then we said bye to each other. jen and i left. she helped me with my stuff. she said bye to my dad. this may be the last day i see jen. aww! i am so sad!

well i feel like an idiot. i opened up a topic that i wish i did not. is it me? is there something wrong with me? aww crap. it has been six months. these feelings should not be back. maybe it is me as a person. other people say it takes longer than six months. maybe i am just easier to get over?

WE HAVE A BADMINTON SET! WOOHOO! AND I PLAYED TODAY! ANYONE WANT TO PLAY?

yesterday i went to my cousin's house after church. we ate and watched "13 going on 30." good movie! my auntie gave me a coach bag but i do not know if it is real or fake. but that is ok. then my dad took me to khaing's house for her party. i do not really want to talk about it. let's just say it was interesting. yeah.

well today i went to the mall with my family. i got some stuff. not much to say. sorry but i do not feel like writing. i will blog later, maybe.

wow! i totally did not realize that it was FRIDAY THE 13 until i came home and read phil's away message. oOOoo... scary day.

but it was not too scary for me. i went out with the pTc chicks today. we met up at west covina mall to buy our care bear shirts at hot topic. i hate their return policy! but whatever. i will just get a better shirt. after the mall we went to this filipino restaurant. i forgot what it was called. but it was cool because kristina and i were talking to them in tagalog. but erin and jen were just like "yeah. uh huh." funny stuff. then we went to tkt to take pictures. (we are not going to take all pTc pictures anymore because jen cannot be there.) we had to wait for a little bit so we decided to eat. the food was soooo good! i love filipino food! maybe it was because i have not had it in a long time. but none the less, it was de-li-shay-us! we decided to cut our wardrobe in half. so we only wore two different outfits. we wore jean and our care bear shirts and the other one was black dresses. well it was not all black. but yeah. we all have our own care bear character. i am bedtime bear. so i had a shirt and the bear. it was pretty cool. they are in our colors too. of course we made fun of jen and gave her a guilt trip about leaving us. then we waited for our pictures and ate. then we went to ikea. there are so many things that i want to get for my room! yay! i am excited! fantastic day! woot! =)

well, things are back to the way it has been for the past six months. i cannot believe it has been six months. well almost six months, at least. i guess i will just have to get used to this. one more year... sigh.

HAPPY 18TH BIRTHDAY KHAING SABE!
me so full! i went out with jen, khaing, and masaki for khaing's birthday. jen and i picked up khaing at paseo after she got off work. it is so gay that she had to work during her birthday. stupid boss! we went to watch "little black book." masaki met us there. i liked the movie. it is not a typical love story. i recommend you watch it. then we went to pizza hut and khaing ordered pizza. we went back to her place to eat. we watched the teen choice awards. then we had ice cream cake. ice cream cake. yum. i ate so much! we all did! i am going to go watch "bruce almighty" and run. bye suckers!

i am tired. i had to wake up at 7:30 am to call my piano teacher and to reschedule. i tried to go back to sleep. i got a little rest. my dad woke me up at 9:30 am to get ready to go to anaheim to get uniforms. i was so out of it. it took us about thirty minutes to get to the true grits store. we were there for a while, trying on uniforms. i hate uniforms. but i am kind of glad that i do not have to pick out what to wear everyday. well i still do but now my options are limited, which makes it easier for me. we then went to jack in the box to eat lunch. then we went to sga to buy my bible book. i had to ask pastor peeke who my bible teacher is. jo, lori, and i were confused. we got to choose our bible classes or something like that. well i was going to tell holly what i wanted when i saw chris there. that was so uncalled for! my heart started beating really fast because i was so scared! my mom was there and people were saying his name. i was so scared that she was going to say something to me. but she did not. phew! well then, we went to hawaii supermarket to buy some things. then we went home. it was such a hot day today! but it is nice and cool in my house. yay!

back to LA county. this weekend has been fun! church was pretty boring. but then we went to the cafe and they started talking about college. it was so weird! only kevin and i are the only ones left in high school. boo! but that is ok. we will have our time. it is all good. anyways, jen and i left for riverside at around 6 pm. we got starbucks on our way there. woohoo! i have not had starbucks in a while. i feel bad for erin because she has to drive an hour everyday to get to school and back home. she should just dorm. but that is not her decision. well we got to riverside. i played frisbee with kevin and daryl. the other people talked to erin’s neighbor, sam. i do not know him but i think i met him before. erin, kristina, and teo came and we ate. then we had to pick up kristopher at LSU. we went to the drive in movie. it was so cool! i can finally say that i have been to a drive in movie. jenelyn kept calling it a drive thru movie. aiya. we watched “collateral.” good movie. i would recommend it. we stayed at the drive in for a little bit longer and then us girls took kristina home. erin and i were going through all the lollipops that kristina had to find the flavors we liked. strawberry. yum! we went back to erin’s place. there was this cat that would not leave. stupid cat! dogs are better! haha! derek and mylene were there. we started watching “fahrenheit 9/11” but then we ended up playing poker. we played for about four hours or so. kristopher and i were the last ones left. we decided to just forget about it. i think i played well. heehee! we watched “shrek 2!” funny movie! we did not sleep until 6 am. us girls just talked about different things. i could not sleep for a while because it was waaaay too hot and daryl was snoring so loud! but i got about a good four hours of sleep. we woke up and ate. then we did some karaoke. jen was being so stupid! we ended up not helping kristina with her dorm. oh well. jen and i went home. it was so freaking hot! well not i am home now and i am really not tired. so yeah. jen and i are going to paint tomorrow. i am excited! if i like it i think i will hang it in my room. but we shall see. PIECES!

well my week has been pretty boring. after i got home from jen's house on sunday i started to read but then fell asleep. i only got about four hours of sleep saturday night. then i read "the little prince." it was a pretty good book. then on monday i read "the reader." it is a pretty erotic book. haha! damn it! i hate my keyboard!!! i cannot type correctly. screw this! that was all i needed to say anyway. bye!

stupid law: in pinellas county, a person who commits suicide in public faces 60 days in jail and a $500 fine. (idoits.)

GIRL'S NIGHT OUT! WOOHOO!

i am at jenelyn's house right now. i did not want to go home so i slept over. well it is not like that... we had a girl's night out and i knew that we would be getting home late. so i asked jen if i could sleep over so that i would not have to go home and face my parents calling me all night and asking me when i would get home. it was easier this way. well since i am already blogging i might as well tell you about my day.

saturday. i actually went to church! holy crap! but i did not get to enjoy it much because my neck and my back were bothering me. i should really go to a chiropractor and get my back looked at. i do not want to be like phil.. haha! love you phil! anyways, i was with jenelyn. we were looking for the guys but none of them picked up their cell phones. stupid boys! so jen convinced me to come with her and her family to eat out at cocary. on our way out of the parking lot we saw the guys coming out of the hospital. that was the last we saw of them.

jen and i got to her cousin's house. starleth does not look pregnant at all. maybe a little. but she looks more fat than pregnant. everyone thinks so, so do not think i am this horrible person. even she says so. we rode with katherine's boyfriend, eddie. he drives pretty crazy. we got to cocary in alhambra. as we were looking for a space to park, one opened up. but there was this other car, a benz, that was trying to go after it as well. it was pretty stupid considering that we were there first and had the right of way. but they still tried to get it. it is a good thing that eddie has a small car because as soon as the car pulled out of the parking space, eddie just went for it. we were so scared that we were going to get into a fight or that when we got back to the car it would be all scratched up.

cocary was good. jen and i both said that we were not going to eat anything but we ended up eating something. their chicken was pretty good. i was new to the whole "cooking it yourself" thing since the last time i did that jessica did it for me. but it was pretty fun. we went back to jen's cousin's house and jen took me home. i had to kill about four hours so i did not know what to do. i eventually just fell asleep. i woke up and got ready to go out.

jen came a little early since she was pretty bored. we went to paseo where khaing works.  khaing has a job! she sells himalayan salt crystal lamps on a cart at paseo. nice. the lamps are so freaking expensive. no offense khaing. but they are! $50 is the cheapest that they have. when we got to paseo jen and i looked around at some of the stores. then we went to see khaing. khaing told us to make reservations at islands so that we would not have to wait when she got off work. i had the hardest time going up the stairs. stupid exercises! after making the reservations at islands we ran into javier and patrick. WEIRD! we talked to them for a little bit and went back down to khaing. it was good seeing school people! jen and i looked at odd sunglasses. they had ones that were shaped as swans. nice. shephora has this really good lip gloss. it is really thick and only $10. it may sound expensive but once you try it you will think that it is a bargain. moving on... after khaing got off work we went to islands. erin met up with us there. we ordered our food and talked. jen actually finished her burger! that is amazing! we paid the bill.

jen and i went to khaing's house. for some reason i was really hyper on the way there. we were going to watch "anchorman" at khaing's house since she has the dvd but jen was too tired so we went back to her house. she showed me some of her old baby pictures. it's a boy! haha! just kidding. then we read some of the things that i wrote in her scrapbook. i cussed a lot! actually i only said s***. i do not know why. well now i am here, online, since jen is sleeping. i was reading people's blogs and xangas. very interesting. bryan's was probably the most interesting to me. he goes shopping quite a bit and buys CLOTHES and NECKLACES. WTF is that! i am telling you, he is becoming more and more feminine everyday. it scares me a little. but i saw it coming. and bryan, i still love you, no matter what choice you make. hahaha!

well i am going to go now because it is getting late and i am getting sleepy. good night everybody! or to the three or four people that actually read my blog. =( pieces!

 

hmmm... i thought that things were different. but all of a sudden it changed. it was so familiar and comfortable. we were both laughing and talking about the weirdest things. that lasted for about two days. then it went back to the same thing. maybe it was too soon to start talking again. or maybe this is just how it is going to be from now on. after a long time of not talking at all we talk online for a little bit. then it all fades away and they just stop talking to me. but i like the familiarity of our conversations. so comfortable and fun. we actually laughed. and they were geniun laughs. i thought things were different. i guess not.

i have gone back to my old routine of blogging... every once a month or so. and it is time for me to blog once again. how is everyone doing? summer treating you well? it is hard to believe that it is more than half way through. july seems like a really boring and hot month for me. but i went to the getty museum last friday. it was beautiful! the garden is a really nice place to sit. if i could i would just sit there for hours. i do not have much to say so i am going to cut this short. bYe!

i have to get my camera sent! boo! stupid LDC screen! anyway, friday was ok. i was supposed to go to the beach with erin, khaing, jen, kristina, and other people but i could not. oh well. my day accomplished a lot. my dad and i went to glendale. i rushed to american eagle and got a bag that i have been eyeing for a while. it went on sale so i bought it. then my dad and i went to circuit city and bought my stereo since my old one cannot read cd's anymore. my dad had to drop off something to one of his patients. then we went to kmart since i had to buy a disposable camera since i have to get my digital camera fixed. good thing the cameras were on sale. then i went home and cleaned. my mom and i had a fight. whatever. i do not care anymore.

my saturday was boring! i went to church and then to the cafe. my family came over to celebrate my mom's birthday and my uncle's birthday. but to be honest, it seemed like it was mostly for my mom. i talked to my cousins. eric drew a panda for me. i am going to make it my background. for the rest of the night my family karaoked. yep. it is a typical filipino get together.

i went out with steph today. we spent our time at japanese village. we ate at some restaurant. the sushi was only $3.50. that is not bad. but if you think about it, it is about $.60 per roll. that is a lot! steph and i went to this book store and she got some cool japanese stickers. she gave me the one that had pandas on it so i could put it on my phone. yay! we went to the block that had japanese village on it. we went to a bunch of different stores. steph bought be a chocolate cream puff. yum. steph was going to get these cute little slippers. i liked the pink ones and the turquiose ones. then we went to this anime store that had toys and posters and all this other stuff. steph and i found a box that had 5 items for $5. so we were looking for a bunch of items that we wanted to buy. i got a pencil and keychain and steph got a pen and some other thing. then we split pins. we went to this market where we got wash clothes that we were going to make into bags. it is cool! i also got those melon gummy candies. those are so good! after that, we went to this other place. it was small and did not have that many things in it. steph liked this cute little wallet. i told her to get it. then i saw this little hello kitty bag that was shaped as a hamburger. it was so cute! and it was only around $3. steph and i decided to come back and get them. but steph did not get the wallet because she did not have enough money but i got the bag. yay! i am happy! today was a fun day! i got to hang out with steph. woot! peace out.